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Having a session with the wise master

Hand start the one eyed yogurt thrower

Memory Bank Spank

Getting jiggy with it

Cleaning the snorkel

Mugging the Kojak Doll

Giving flipper a backrub

Making pudding’

Shaking hands with Mr. Happy

Making sewer babies

Dating the palm sisters

Cocking the Gun

Filling up the belly button well

Conditioning the leather

Rubbing one off

Satisfying King Solomon

Inflating the Zeppelin

Massaging the Marrionette, no strings attached

Extracting a core sample

Enforcing the “No Fly Zone”

Digital Manipulation of the Coital Apparatus

Testing out the magic love wand

The Rise and Fall of Peter the Great

Firing the Surgeon General

Squeaky the squirrel

Taking Herman to the circus

Freeing the soldiers of love

Boobytrapping a toilet seat

Galloping the lizard

Five finger boogie on the blue vein

Tickling little Tommy behind the ear

Walking the one eyed dog

Making gravy

Humping the old hand

Greasing The Baseball Bat

One man tug of War

Hang The Hamster

5 Digit Disco

Rocking the lil’ man in the boat

The disappearing cigar trick

Male polishing the stinger

Checking the tweeters

Shaking hands with the wife’s wedding present

Launching the heat seeking moisture missile

Filleting the trouser trout

Jerking my johnson

Lathering the Latin love lance

Bending to the will of the one eyed purple warrior

Spew from the column of delight

Honking bobo

Riding the one eyed wonder horse

Saying hello to my little friend

Prostate Maintenance

Honking the burrito

Pickle dancing

Skipping rocks off the lake of love

Shaving the cucumber

Faxing a hard copy to the Castro

Walking the dog

Using the Force

Flogging the dolphin

Whipping up some baby batter

Feeding your trouser-mouse

Jolting the bean

Cock the cannon

Supply and Demand

Putting mayo on the knuckle sandwich

Doing the hand-jive

Firing the photon torpedoes

Shooting putty at the moon

The sperm manicure

Putting the dog’s eye out

Rubbing the nub

Saying hi to big Jim and the twins

Verifying your manhood

Worshiping the fist prince

Yanking the penal cord

Flushing babies

The two fisted monkey slap

The blob blaster

Spewing crude

Wank your crank

Skanking the pickle

Smacking the pudge

Unrolling the turtle neck

Unsheathing the shlong

Shining the helmet

Dressing up like the mail man

Spit shining the trophy

Making love with miss Right

Spin the humming top

Letting off a few wrist rockets

Freeing the Willies

Petting the Parrot

Punching the Munchkin

Spanking the Monkey

Slapping the Salami

Choking the Chicken

Caressing the Cucumber

Doing the Mighty Wang Chung

Shining the Shaft

Tweaking the Totem Pole

Lubricating the Piston

Beating the Meat

Arming the Torpedo

Playing One Arm Bandit

Playing One Eyed Bandit

Playing the Skin Flute

Fondling the Fountain

Churning Butter

It’s the Middle School Rodeo

Knuckle Shuffle on the Piss Pump

Gushing the Geyser

Milking the Heifer

Squeezing the Squirrel

Jerking Off

Pulling the Pud

Pulling a Pee-Wee

Going Blind

Growing Hair on the Palms

Waxing the Dolphin

Beating the Bishop

Jerking the Gherkin

Whacking Off

Pounding the Pepperoni

Cleaning the Canoli

Special Saucing the Big Mac

Fondling the Fahita

Banging the Burrito

Heisting the Jewels

Hustling the Hog

Waxing the T-Bird

Polishing the Rocket

Getting Your Pole Varnished

Chaffing the chimp

Making the Meat-Whistle

Torching the Taliwacker

Giving it a Tug

Shaking Hands with the Unemployed

Beating the boner

Handling the hard on

Yanking your chain

Sanding the woody

Lubricating the love stick

Sharpening the pencil

Tickling old one-eye

Making the Cyclops fight the five headed monster until he cries

Grabbing the grouse

Spackling the ceiling

Bopping the baloney

Pumping the gas

Draining the main vein

Worshiping the finger prince

Pumping the revolver

Shooting the 6 shooter

Polishing the family jewels

Waxing your Rocket

Spilling milk

Working the glue stick

Pleasing the turtle

Playing “hookey”

Walking the bearded one-eyed love dog

Beating the piss outta my best friend

Making a knuckle hot dog

Cuffing the carrot

Chugging the choo-choo

Making “Love” in the hand

Squeezing the cream out of the flesh Twinkie(tm)

Making Johnny Walker red

Playing Rumple Foreskin

Wrestling the Bald Headed Champ

Punching the Clown

Plucking the duck

Choking the snake

Tugging the Tapioca Tube

Getting to be better friends with Willy

Stretching before strenuous exercise

Taming Goliath

Corralling the Tadpoles

Jacking my Mule

Flogging yer dummy

Roughing up the suspect (‘Cause you know he’s guilty)

Putting miles on your monkey

Getting a little off-hand

Could this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus?

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.
“I call my man ‘Eight,’ ” said the first woman, “Because he’s got
eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.”
The second woman said in response, “I call my man ‘Ten’because his dong
is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night.”
The first woman then asked the third woman “What do you call your man?”
She answered ” ‘Creme de Menthe.’ ”
“Why? Isn’t’ that a liqueur?” the other two wanted to know.
“Yep, it is,” said the woman, continuing, “yeah, you betcha!”

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
giraffe walked in.
“Get a load of her” said the mouse, “what a babe!” “Well, why not try
your luck?” replied
the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to
her. Within five
minutes they’re out the door and into the night. The next day, the
lion was drinking in the
bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out,
and can hardly hold
himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink
down his throat and
said, “What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the
giraffe, what happened
after that? Was she all right?”
The mouse replied, “Yeah, she was really something, we went out to
dinner, had a couple
of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the
night. And oh, man!
I’ve never had a night like it!” “But how come you look like you’re so
exhausted?” asked
the lion. “Well” said the mouse, “between the kissing and the
screwing, I must have run a
thousand miles!”

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid
of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had
been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she
needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near
her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male
virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an
Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had
indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their
wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.
When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the
bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the
room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, “I
thought you had never been with a woman.”
He replied, “That’s true, but if it’s anything like screwing a
kangaroo, we’re going to need all the room we can get!

Q: How do faggots get a condom off?

A: They fart.

© 2015