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Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant’s trunk.

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, “Tarzan, how you like-a your new parts?”

Tarzan says, “Eye good…Tarzan see far, clear…Arm good…long, strong…but Tarzan not crazy about new weenie… all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up Tarzan’s ass.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, went to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed, “What the hell did you do that for?”

Tarzan replied, “Always check for squirrels.”

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. “My son, you shouldn’t be doing that,” said the priest. “You should be saving that for when you get married.”

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said “Yes, Father.”

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

“Yes, my son?” said the priest.

“Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then.”

“And what was that, my son?”

“Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married,” said the young man.

“That sounds like something I probably would have said,” said the priest. “Did you take my advice?”

“Yes I did, Father; but there’s only one problem.”

“What’s that, my son?”

“Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?”

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to
come down to earth
to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great
shape and they went
to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech
impediment, but this
didn’t affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long
then in the morning
Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name,
so he said to her, “I’m
Mighty Thor and I have to leave now.” She looked at him and said,
“You’re thore I’m tho
thore I can hardly pith.”



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