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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

“Well, OK,” he says, “How a ’bout a blow job?”

“EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”

“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!”

November 30, 1995
PLAYGIRL, INC.

Dear Mrs. Smith,

We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl’s “Man of the Month” centerfold would have been a truly
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 70. We couldn’t
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said “We’ll retain our widowed status!”

The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said “We can’t perform miracles!”

We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl’s centerfold. Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely
obliterate what we refer to as “the item of interest” as it would in
John’s case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.

There’s an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she
say’s “my hands are
really cold, how can I warm them up?” Her mother say’s “Put them
between your legs,
that will warm them up.” So she does, and her mother was right. The
next day the girl is
riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are
cold, so the girl say’s,
“Put them between my legs, that will warm them up.” So he does, and
his hands get
warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy.
The day after that
he say’s “My dick is really cold” and the girl says, “Put it between
my legs and warm it
up.” So he does. She’s talking to her mother the next day and she
asks, “Mom have you
ever heard of a penis?” Her mother says, “Yes, why do you ask?” She
says I don’t know
what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of
hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say “Hi there little boy!!”

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always
wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: “well, that is what size
we imagine your penis to be… it is just a joke!”

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, “HI
THERE LADIES!

Q: What is green and eats nuts?
A: Herpes!



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