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“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained. “As usual, Kiki shouted Armageddon”, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.”

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

O.K., now here’s a few things to ponder. What were they thinking?

1. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . .” OUCH!!!!

2. “So I peered into the tube . . . “Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of a guy’s anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.

4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s anus. I’m just guessing but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki’s “tunnel of love”.

5. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would of made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacs, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashion, but I just can’t imagine looking at a doctor and saying, “Well Doc it’s like this: See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . . . ”

7. “First and second degree burns to the anus.” Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God’s green earth.

8. People named “Kiki” which obviously is a Polynesian word for”idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.”

9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I’m starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond Family.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says, “I really want a drink.”

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, “What’s the name of your penis?”

The customer says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called ‘Nike,’ for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers,’ because ‘It really Satisfies.”

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?”

The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.”

The thirsty customer asks, “Why Timex?”

The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!”

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you call your penis?”

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because ‘Quality is Job 1.’ ” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?”

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my penis is ‘Secret.’ Now give me my beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?”

The customer says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”

Cecil and Scott are two homosexuals living together. It was extremely hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer.

“Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?”

Scott replied, “It was so hot outside, I thought you’d like something cool to slip into!”

Q: What does gay stand for?
A: Got Aids Yet

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a hoard of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won. A young reporter walked up to him and said,

“Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies. I even heard that you kissed a parakeet.”

The Mayor replied, “That’s right young man. I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet … I kissed a Cock-or-two.”



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