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Q: What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A: One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained. “As usual, Kiki shouted Armageddon”, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.”

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

O.K., now here’s a few things to ponder. What were they thinking?

1. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . .” OUCH!!!!

2. “So I peered into the tube . . . “Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of a guy’s anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.

4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s anus. I’m just guessing but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki’s “tunnel of love”.

5. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would of made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacs, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashion, but I just can’t imagine looking at a doctor and saying, “Well Doc it’s like this: See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . . . ”

7. “First and second degree burns to the anus.” Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God’s green earth.

8. People named “Kiki” which obviously is a Polynesian word for”idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.”

9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I’m starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond Family.

Having picked George up in a gay bar, Sandy was driving home when, entranced by his companion, he failed to see the red light. Plowing into a van, he nearly marked his laundry when the driver got out, a big brute of a man.

“You idiot!” he screamed. “You drive like my grandmother, and you can kiss my a$$!”

Sighing with relief, the gay driver said to his companion, “Thank God! He wants to settle out of court.”

Q: What kind of license do lesbians need?
A: A licker license.

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A: A fruit stand!



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