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Now gather round children and I’ll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.
It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill f*cked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn’t a man for miles around
With a big enough rod to f*ck her down.

Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died;
When down from Knoxville came Pisspot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.

Eighteen pounds of meat and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn’t a boy–he was a MAN, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I’ll swear it stretched from thar to………..thar.

Stunk like shit, I thought I’d die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue,
Came to witness this terrible screw.

People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.

Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!
Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!

Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lill knew she had met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.

With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!

Lill let out a scream, “I can’t take any more!”
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook and dark came to the sun;
Pete’s eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.

When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill’s ass was smeared.
Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn’t pick up your feet!

Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete’s balls had drug the ground.
Pete reeled in his dick and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses and rode off West.

As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Couldn’t wash away that whorehouse smell!

Now Old Pete died and went to hell:
F*cked the devil and his wife as well!
The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, “Get him out of here before he f*cks us all!”

He f*cked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two!

“What’s this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Pam ?” said
her closest friend.

“Well,” Pam confirmed, “although his diamond was of pretty good
quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired.”

One day during confession the priest had to take a dump. No one was coming in so the father was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as he stepped out of the confession box a woman ran up to him. “Father, I must talk with you.” The father asked her to wait in the booth. She went inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill in confession for a moment.

So Ray gets into the booth and asked the woman her sins. The woman replied, “I had sex with a married man.” Ray looks on a piece of paper and looks up adultery. Then tells the women to say ten hail-marys and bless herself in holy water.

Then a man comes in. “Forgive me father I stole money.” Ray looks up stealing and tells him to say five hail-marys and bless himself in holy water.

Soon a woman came in and said, “Forgive me father, I gave a man a blowjob.” Ray looks up blowjob and there was nothing. He then looked up oral sex and there was nothing. Ray looks out the door and sees little Billy the alter boy. Ray called for Billy. “What does the father give for a blowjob?”

Little Billy looks at Ray and says, “A snickers bar and a pat on the back!”

A duck walks into a bar. He looks like the happiest duck in the world.
The bartender asks, “Why are you so happy today?”
The duck replies, “I’ve been playing in puddles all day.” The duck proceeds to order a beer and enjoy it at the bar.
A little while later another duck walks in the bar. He looks like the second happiest duck in the world.
The bartender asks, “Why are you so happy today?”
The duck gives the bartender the same answer, “I’ve been playing in puddles all day.” This duck also orders a beer and enjoys it
at the bar.
A third duck enters the bar, the total opposite of the first two ducks. He looks like the saddest duck in the world.
The bartender asks the duck, “What’s wrong with you?”
The duck replies, “My name is Puddles and I’ve had a terrible day.”

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an
“Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.”
The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,”
“Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad
news for you.”

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