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Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

London department store: Bargain basement upstairs

In an office: To the person who took the stepladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken

Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag Do-it-yourself

In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything – Bicycles, washing machines, ect… Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sign outside a new town hall, which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also

On the side of a road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: SMARTS is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome

A Hazard sign: QUICKSAND. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of

Sign on motorway garage: Do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but out petrol is

Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

On a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – The bell doesn’t work)

Sign at farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: “Do not activate with wet hands.”

One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain’s web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: “Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days.”

February 1, 1993

The Associated Press reported that the village of Sodom, Conn., disappeared, like its biblical namesake.

Though it appears on maps, the AP writer interviewed residents of Sodom Road and the Sodom Corner intersection, both hallmarks of the village of Sodom, and discovered that everyone claims now to live in North Canaan.

January 12, 1993

San Francisco police arrested Russell C. Sultan in July and charged him with attempting to extort $23,000 from his mother and girlfriend by claiming to have been kidnapped for ransom.

After tracing telephone calls, police, guns drawn, burst into a motel room to find Sultan casually eating fried chicken and watching a 49ers football game.

Sultan said the kidnappers had merely left him alone for a while, and exclaimed to the officers, “What took you so long?”

It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two-wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two-wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down form the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. A dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring

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