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Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, “Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house.”
“No, no, my dear,” said the president sleepily, “in the Senate maybe, but not in the House.”

Getting accepted at your favorite college is one of the greatest moments of a young person?s life ? unless you?ve received this acceptance letter, which was clearly the result of a computer glitch.

(As reported in the New York Times, 3.21.99)

To the parent or guardian of Truman Bradley

Dear Parent or Guardian

Congratulations on 987-45-4321?s admission to Arizona State University! We commend you for the significant role that you have played in helping him to prepare for this exciting and critically important time. A.S.U. is committed to providing an outstanding collegiate experience, and we are pleased that he has chosen to take advantage of this tremendous opportunity. We are fully prepared to assist 987-65-4321 in making a successful transition from high school to college. We also recognize that even though your relationship with 987-65-4321 may change in the next four years, the importance of that relationship will not diminish. At Arizona State University, we value your continued participation in his academic, social and personal development and actively seek your support in that endeavor. Whether through involvement in the A.S.U. Parents Association, attendance at numerous events for A.S.U. parents, or the occasional visit to campus, you will be a partner with the university in encouraging 987-65-4321 to succeed. We look forward to seeing you at an orientation program and during A.S.U. Welcome Week prior to the start of the fall semester. Information about these programs has been mailed to 987-65-4321. Many of the activities during both events are designed specifically for you. In the meantime, contact the A.S.U. Parent Program office? if you have any questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

President, A.S.U. Parents Association

Assistant Director, Parent Programs

The letter that the father wrote back is a real kicker!

Thank you for offering our son, 987-65-4321, or as we affectionately refer to him around the house – 987 – a position in the A.S.U. class of 2003. His mother, 123-45-6MOM and I are very happy that such a prestigious institution of higher education such as A.S.U. has extended this offer.

In selecting a college for 987, we are looking for a place that will prepare him for the technological challenges of the 21st century. We seek a college in which he can learn to master computers and learn to communicate with clarity and sensitivity. I can only imagine the competence with which you will, as your letter puts so well, “assist 987-65-4321 in making a successful transition from high school to college.”

We will miss 987 when he goes off to school, and are very interested in a college in which he will receive personal attention. I was particularly touched by your sentence in which you note that our “relationship with 987-65-4321 may change in the next few years.” This is certainly true. Already we are beginning to focus as well on his brother, 123-45-6BRO.

I look forward to additional communications from your office. You manage to convey more in your letters than any other college we have seen thus far.

Sincerely,

123-45-6DAD

A.k.a. Jeff Bradley

Three explorers had arrived in Africa to explore territory that had never been seen by Europeans before. Immediately upon arrival, they enlisted the services of a native to translate for them and another native to act as a guide. After a few days, they had organized their supplies and secured trhe services of porters. They were ready at last!

Off they went into the jungle! They had a few days of travel before they got to the area they wished to explore. The travel went smoothly and uneventfully.

The day dawned when they began to travel into the unknown jungle. After a few hours travel, their guide got very excited upon seeing something on the ground. The three explorers and their translator hurried over to see what was the matter. The translator explained, “He says that this is the mark of the Fabulous Foo Bird! They are very rarely seen! They are very lucky!”

The explorers chuckled to themselves at the natives’ superstitions and the safari moved on. After awhile, they heard a horrible squawking from the air above them. As they looked up to see what it was, the sun was briefly hidden as an enormous bird flew overhead. As they were staring, there was a loud squelching sound, followed by cries of disgust from the senior explorer. The other turned to see that he was covered with bird poop. The guide got even more excited when he saw this and began gesturing frantically at the explorer. The translator said, “That was the Fabulous Foo Bird! He says you must not wipe this off! If you leave it on and do not wash it off, you will receive untold wealth and fortune. But he says if you wipe it off, you will die horribly!”

“Nonsense!” said the explorer. He disgustedly cleaned himself up, all the while grumbling about superstitions. The natives began murmuring. They were very nervous. A short time later, the senior explorer was clean and still very much alive. “There! You see? Nothing to worry about!” he said. Three steps later he fell over dead, his body rotting away.

After the shock died down, the guide looked somewhat smug.

The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the second explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. “Poppycock!” said the second explorer. “That was a coincidence. I am not going to trek through Africa coated in bird droppings becuase of some silly superstition!” He proceeded to clean himself off, but wasn’t even finished before he collapsed dead into a pile of dust.

After the shock died down, the guide again looked somewhat smug.

The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the youngest (and only remaining) explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. The nervouse young explorer decided to play it safe and continue the exploration in his filthy state. This met with great approval by the natives.

The expedition continued and proved to be a smashing success, with great discoveries. The young explorer recived incredible accolades and lived a very long and wealthy life.

From then on, enterprising explorers were always given this sage advice: if the foo shits, wear it.

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.

However, I must share the following:

After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type “R,” “U,” “N” and press return to see the program execute.

A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, “I did what you said and it didn’t work.” Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype “R,” “U,” “N” and press return. A few seconds later, the lady’s hand goes up again. “It still doesn’t work,” she said.

So… I went back to see what the problem was … only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

January 12, 1993

Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent, John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of five-card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House.

Kyle’s pair of sevens put him into the general election.



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