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A man goes up to a stock broker says, “I want to open a so-and-so trading account!”

Blanching, the lady replies, “Excuse me, sir, what did you just say?”

“Listen you, dag-nab it, I said I want to open a trading account this instant!”

“Pardon me, sir, but we do not stand for that sort of talk in this institution!”

The stock broker leaves her desk and goes to her boss and tells him about her predicament. They both come back to her desk where the boss asks the man, “Is there a problem, sir?”

“I don’t have a dang problem,” the man says, “I just inherited 100 million and I want to open a so-and-so trading account with this blankety-blank brokerage!”

“I get the picture sir,” the boss says, “and this wench of a broker is causing you a problem?”

Sunday, November 29, 1992

The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP) was ordered to pay $333,000 in penalties to Inyo County because DWP’s property tax payment arrived late — after having been sent back for $3.40 in additional postage.

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive “on paper,” trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner.

Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him.

He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed.

The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s record because, the trainers say, the dog might sense nervousness “and do something silly.”

One day, while traveling in our family car, I said, “Hey, there’s a Eucalyptus Tree,” to my younger siblings with me.

Then, my younger brother, who’d never heard of a Eucalyptus Tree, said, “I can’t lift that tree!”

[Note: Eucalyptus sounds like: "you can lift us"]

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”
Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”



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