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Be thankful the next time you open up a fortune cookie that doesn’t have a fortune as strange –or hilarious – as these:

Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas.

You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses an appointment.

You will gain admiration from your pears.

You will receive a fortune cookie.

Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom.

A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.

You love Chinese food.

Someone will invite you to a Karaoke party.

Don’t behave with cold manners.

Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.

Don’t forget you are always on our minds.

What you left behind is more mellow than wine.

There is no mistake so great as that of being always right.

Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.

A tub and a rub will change your day.

THAT WASN’T CHICKEN.

Suppose you can get what you want.

If you’re happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you’re happy and you know it, eat a monkey.

It’s about time I got out of that cookie.

The greatest danger could be your stupidity.

Eat your vegetable and you’ll grow up big and strong like Popeye.

To lower your stress level, get a cat.

Your present plants are going to succeed.

A nice cake is waiting for you.

You may love the small ones but win the big ones.

An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly.

Life is not a struggle. It’s a wiggle.

Sssorrryyy, duuplleexxx swwwitccch ooonnn…

A smile is your personal welcome mat.

You are not illiterate.

The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.

Don’t kiss an elephant on the lips today.

You never know who you touch.

Do not follow the instructions of this fortune.

Your emotional nature is strong and emotional.

Your eyes will soon be sparking, keep them open.

Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.

A woman who seeks to be equal with men lacks ambition. Don’t touch that.

Behind an able man, there are always.

You will soon be more aware of your growing awareness.

You may attend a party where strange customs prevail.

Someone can read your mind.

Magic time is created when unconventional person comes.

You are going to have some new clothes.

Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, “The Best Comeback Line Ever”

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s… just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ‘A pumpkin? Darn…is it midnight already?”

In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Recent European Unity Feuds: Farmers in Sweden are still upset, according to a report by the country’s Bureau of Statistics in June, at their inability to sell straight cucumbers in Europe; EU regulations require prime cukes to bend 1 cm for every 20 cm’s in length. And Belgium and France were victorious in October in a European Parliament vote to require that chocolate be made only with cocoa butter and not with substitute vegetable fats; a British Parliament member complained that British chocolate has always been made with little or no cocoa butter.

In September, an official government wristwatch with the face of the prime minister of Malaysia went on sale at the main parliament building in Kuala Lumpur, retailing for about $470. And in June, in an announcement on the first year of operation, the state of Louisiana reported selling 100,000 of its own Royal brand condoms. State health officials claim that it is more economical to make their own than to subsidize higher-priced, brand-named condoms for high-disease-risk clients.

According to Chicago Sun-Times reports in June and November, the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services since 1995 has doled out $22.5 million in cash and gifts to the most dysfunctional 1,370 families on their rolls, including almost $75,000 to one mother of six. DCFS’s “wraparound plans” are designed to simulate middle-class environments so that children can be raised by a natural parent, but critics call the program a jackpot for precisely the worst parents in the city, in that many have been charged with abusing and neglecting their kids. Among the goods included in a typical wraparound plan are: electronic gear and “entertainment center,” YMCA membership, and aikido, basketball, and drama classes.

U. S. Rep. Sam Farr of California introduced a bill this year to end a loophole in the federal Unemployment Tax Act that made it possible for a Santa Cruz, Calif., voting monitor, who was a retired county worker, to grind out one grueling day at the polls in November, claim the next day that he was “laid off,” and thereby collect about $12,000 in benefits over a two-year period.

According to an Associated Press dispatch in May, scientists at the Department of Agriculture’s meat science research lab in Beltsville, Md., have developed an explosion system to tenderize meat by sending supersonic shock waves through it. The shock waves literally rip the muscle tissue apart on a microscopic scale, without any loss of taste. One researcher said the process could be used commercially within a year.



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