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Actual Announcements London Tube Train Drivers Have Made To Their Passengers

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…’”.

“We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ” Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately towels are not provided”.

“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause …) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home…”

“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your ass sideways”

Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, “That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen.” His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child’s shoulder. “Run, little boy,” cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. “Run for your life!”

From the Echoes-Sentines [?], Somerset County, NJ, Sept. 17, 1987:

GILLETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTED AFTER SHOOTING HIS COMPUTER

PASSAIC TWP. — A Gillette man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.

The man, Michael A. Case, 35, of 64 Summit Ave., was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.

The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van Tassel said.

“The only thing he (Case) said was that he was mad at his computer so he shot it,” Van Tassel said.

The handgun, which the lieutenant identified as an Israeli Arms Desert Eagle .44, has “a lot of firepower,” he said. “It’s a big gun.” Case used hollow-point, or dum-dum, bullets, he added.

Case was surprised when police arrested him because he didn’t think he was breaking the law, Van Tassel said. “He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t shoot his own computer in his own home,” Van Tassel said.

Case was charged with recklessly creating a risk and using a firearm against the property of another, because the house is reportedly owned by a relative. The walls were also damaged by the shots, according to police.

He was also charged with unlawful posession of a firearm without a permit, and with possession of illegal bullets, police said.

In addition, Case was issued to summonses, for discharging a weapon in a restricted area and for discharging a single-projectile weapon, police said.

Case spent early Friday morning in the Morris County Jail and was released later in the day on $2,500 bail, according to police.

A Municipal Court appearance is scheduled for today, Sept. 17.

These real English subtitles have been featured in films primarily in kung fu films from Hong Kong. Here’s some of the best subtitles that will have you doubled over from laughter!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

I have been scared silly too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt of the giant lizard person.

I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

I will kill you until you are dead from it!

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!

You are too useless. And now I must beat you.

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and l leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

Now I feel flatulent, and you did it.

My innards have all been disturbed by him.

I please your uterus. You kiss my toes. It’s fair.

This is the Martial Arts Competition, not a place for fighting!

One weekend a lawyer from New York decided to go bird hunting in Vermont. The lawyer drove to Vermont and found a good hunting spot near a farm. The lawyer sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground on the other side of the barns fence.

The lawyer, thinking to himself that’s my bird I have to go get it, climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets back over the farmer comes up to him and says, “give me my bird.” The lawyer says to him ” your bird no no no I shot this bird it is mine.”

“No” says the farmer,”it landed on my property it is mine.” “Look” says the lawyer, “I am a lawyer, I will sue you , you will lose and I will get the duck.” “No” says the farmer, “that’s not how we do it here in Vermont, we use the three kick rule.”

“Ok” says the lawyer, how does that work?” “I kick you three times as hard as I can, than you kick me as hard as you an three time and we keep going until one of us gives up.” “Fine” says the lawyer, “let’s go.” “I’ll go first” says the famer. So the famer kicks layer as hard as he can in the groin.

And just as lawyer is bent over in pain the famer kicks him right in the face. now just as the lawyer is thinking what did IU get myself into the farmer kicks him in the stomach. after the lawyer gets over the agonizing pain he says ok now it’s my turn. No the farmer says, “I quit you can have the duck.”



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