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February 1, 1993

Raleigh, N.C., police charged Vernon Edsel Brooks, 34, with robbing a Radio Shack in July, despite his foresight in disabling a video surveillance camera by taking the camera with him as he fled.

Because he forgot to take the recorder to which the camera was connected, police found a tape containing a full facial shot of Brooks reaching for the camera.

A little kid was looking at the large ripe watermelons growing in the gardener’s melon patch. “I’ll give you my twenty five cents for that watermelon,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit in the middle of the patch.

“No,” said the gardener, “I get $2 for a Watermelon like that one.” The little boy pointed to a tiny watermelon just beginning to grow on a nearby, “Will you take twenty five cents for that one?”

“Sure,” replied the gardener, “I’ll give you that one for twenty five cents.”

“OK,” said the little kid, sealing the deal by putting the coin in the gardener’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about two weeks.”

A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.

Message from the Duke of Wellington to the British Foreign Office in London – written from Central Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn’t graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is “politically incorrect.”



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