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Martinez, California:

Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected.

Kramer’s only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 — too late for anyone else to run.

But Hallissy’s name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected.

Voters should have “a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office,” said assessor John Biasotti.

A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate.

U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice.

Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy’s death, decried the effort as a “classical case of cronyism.” He said his opponents “want the taxpayer to blow $800,000,” about the cost of a special election.

Kramer also bristled at the charge he’s unfit for the job, citing his experience as city clerk for Martinez and as a real estate agent for the county’s Public Works Department.

The assessor’s office is responsible for estimating property values in the 830,000-person county, 30 miles east of San Francisco. The job pays $84,000 a year.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

“Go to the road and get help,” he said. “I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

“You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”

At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the kitchen area and put it in the refrigerator with a sign that said, “Do not remove.” It stayed there for the final three weeks of my contract. I actually witnessed Individuals taking it out, using it and putting it back. [Morgan's Note: A variation of this theme would be a sign on the soap that reads, "Do not use with water."] [Another Morgan's Note: Another variation is a sign on a cafeteria line: "Not to be taken internally."]

A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver’s license. She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, “If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!” A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.

A report from a 9th grader: Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it next to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.

When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national basis, I was able to convince one Individual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law.

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, “I wonder why?” She replied, “Must be because the oil would suffocate them.”

My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each. An individual from the audience piped up, “200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!”

A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver’s license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

He looked at it and said, “You have to be 21 to get in here.” I replied, “That ID is a few years old.” He looked at it again for a moment, then said, “Oh, OK” and let me in.

At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as’S CCESS’ and ‘VAL E’. This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was ‘U’ (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: ‘B LL’.

There’s an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of their several locations: “If it’s in stock, we’ve got it!”

The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor’s invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor’s invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.

Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle’s Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America’s many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of “Crazy Glue” … the hard way.

Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger.

“Sally (the rhino) hasn’t been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank,” said James Douglass, caretaker.

During Sally’s tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino’s buttocks.

First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.

“It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck.

Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,” said Douglass.
“I don’t think he’ll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.”

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. “I’m going to buy some for my children, but of course they can’t take it to the zoo,” commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

The story goes that one day during an examination at Cambridge University, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The
following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section, which read (rough translation from the Latin): “Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale”. Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later though, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

© 2015