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Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: Look in the library – under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife’s menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you’re mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she’s with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: ‘Gee, I have one of these.’

In Ottumwa, Iowa, “It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted.”

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In St. Louis, it’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Chico, California, the city council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

In Baltimore, it’s illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It’s also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it’s illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture.

In Carrizozo, N.M., it’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel…however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

In Michigan, a woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.

The state of Washington has passed a law stating it is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.

To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.

If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.

Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.

Don’t bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.

The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. Disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.

Have it your way, but don’t share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person’s hamburger.

Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!

In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.

What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won’t be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this city is verboten.

And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forewarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!

It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.

In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!

In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer’s Anti-Automobile society set up some “rules of the road.” In effect, they said:
a. “Automobiles traveling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.”
b. “If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery.”
c. “In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes.”

Utah: It is against the law to fish from horseback.

In Bexley, Ohio, the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited.

Indiana: Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a $25 dollar fine and the trial costs.

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

California: In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance, forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.

In Harthahorne Oklahoma, City Ordinance states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it’s illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple’s own property.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can’t be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife’s consent to beat her with a wider strap.

In Kentucky, “No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club” An amendment to the above legislation: “The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.”

In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.

In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have a musical car horn.

A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays.

Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public streets on Sundays.

Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk County, Virginia – provided that the hunter is fifteen feet off the ground.

You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.

Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a public building.

Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.

Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

In TX: It is illegal to walk around with a concealed ice cream cone.

In Carmel, CA, it is illegal to eat ice cream while standing on the sidewalk.

In Prunedale, CA, it is illegal to have two indoor bathtubs in your house.

Bellevue, WA

On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.

The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault.

They each injured themselves and not the other.

It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn’t feel the pain.

English Subtitles (used in films from Hong Kong)

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

I have been scared silly too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt of the giant lizard person.

I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

Take my advice, or I’ll spank you a lot.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit – Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.



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