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A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.

“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.

“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.

“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.

“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.

“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.

“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.

“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief. “Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”

The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”

After watching the movie Aladdin, a five-year-old kid named Eric started using his mother’s empty teakettle as a magic lamp pretending he could summon the genie and grant wishes. “Make three wishes, Mom” he told his mother, “and I’ll make the genie grant them.”

His mom first asked to rescue all poor kids from poverty. Eric proceeded to rub “the lamp” and pretended to talk to the invisible genie, then proclaimed his mom’s wish fulfilled.

Next, his mom asked for a cure for all sick kids. Again, Eric rubbed the pretend lamp and spoke to the invisible genie, then said his mom’s second wish was fulfilled.

Eric’s mother then looked down at her own rather ample figure and made her third wish, “I wish to be thin again.”

At this Eric started rubbing his magic lamp furiously. When the magic obviously failed to work Eric looked up at his mom and said very matter-of-factly, “Mom, I think I’m going to need a lot more powerful magic for this wish”!

I was teaching middle school children in a private academy, and the girls were talking when they should have been listening. So, I took the remote control for the air conditioner, pointed it in the girls’ direction, pushed the power button, and said, “Be quiet!” Then, one of the girls, looked at me sadly and said, “Teacher, turn me on. Turn me on.”

[Note: "turn me on" has two meanings, the literal and the figurative. Literally, one cannot "turn on" a person, but in this case we were pretending that a person was a machine. Figuratively, one CAN "turn on" a person, but it has a sexual connotation. It means to make a person excited/stimulated.]

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3-foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5-gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined man proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent
fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe “like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,” according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. “There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,” McFadden reported, “Followed by a loud thud.” Amazingly, he suffered only
minor injuries. “It was actually pretty cool,” Michaels said, “Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I’d do it again if I was sure I wouldn’t get hurt.”

Fargo, North Dakota:

A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer’s ability to protect the public.

“Clearly, being the best shot doesn’t necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point,” Ken Schwab said Tuesday.

Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.

The challenge could be a problem for one candidate — a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who’s not allowed to possess a firearm.

© 2015