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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

…And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a Kentucky appliance store window: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” -Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”

In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”

In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”

In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”

In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”

On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament-Ears pierced”

Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

On a radiator repair garage: “Best place to take a leak.”

In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please extinguish the perpetual light.”

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”

On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”

On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.

“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.

“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.

“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.

“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.

“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.

“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.

“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief. “Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”

The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”

After watching the movie Aladdin, a five-year-old kid named Eric started using his mother’s empty teakettle as a magic lamp pretending he could summon the genie and grant wishes. “Make three wishes, Mom” he told his mother, “and I’ll make the genie grant them.”

His mom first asked to rescue all poor kids from poverty. Eric proceeded to rub “the lamp” and pretended to talk to the invisible genie, then proclaimed his mom’s wish fulfilled.

Next, his mom asked for a cure for all sick kids. Again, Eric rubbed the pretend lamp and spoke to the invisible genie, then said his mom’s second wish was fulfilled.

Eric’s mother then looked down at her own rather ample figure and made her third wish, “I wish to be thin again.”

At this Eric started rubbing his magic lamp furiously. When the magic obviously failed to work Eric looked up at his mom and said very matter-of-factly, “Mom, I think I’m going to need a lot more powerful magic for this wish”!

I was teaching middle school children in a private academy, and the girls were talking when they should have been listening. So, I took the remote control for the air conditioner, pointed it in the girls’ direction, pushed the power button, and said, “Be quiet!” Then, one of the girls, looked at me sadly and said, “Teacher, turn me on. Turn me on.”

[Note: "turn me on" has two meanings, the literal and the figurative. Literally, one cannot "turn on" a person, but in this case we were pretending that a person was a machine. Figuratively, one CAN "turn on" a person, but it has a sexual connotation. It means to make a person excited/stimulated.]



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