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Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive “on paper,” trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner.

Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him.

He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed.

The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s record because, the trainers say, the dog might sense nervousness “and do something silly.”

One day, while traveling in our family car, I said, “Hey, there’s a Eucalyptus Tree,” to my younger siblings with me.

Then, my younger brother, who’d never heard of a Eucalyptus Tree, said, “I can’t lift that tree!”

[Note: Eucalyptus sounds like: "you can lift us"]

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”
Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, “Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house.”
“No, no, my dear,” said the president sleepily, “in the Senate maybe, but not in the House.”

Getting accepted at your favorite college is one of the greatest moments of a young person?s life ? unless you?ve received this acceptance letter, which was clearly the result of a computer glitch.

(As reported in the New York Times, 3.21.99)

To the parent or guardian of Truman Bradley

Dear Parent or Guardian

Congratulations on 987-45-4321?s admission to Arizona State University! We commend you for the significant role that you have played in helping him to prepare for this exciting and critically important time. A.S.U. is committed to providing an outstanding collegiate experience, and we are pleased that he has chosen to take advantage of this tremendous opportunity. We are fully prepared to assist 987-65-4321 in making a successful transition from high school to college. We also recognize that even though your relationship with 987-65-4321 may change in the next four years, the importance of that relationship will not diminish. At Arizona State University, we value your continued participation in his academic, social and personal development and actively seek your support in that endeavor. Whether through involvement in the A.S.U. Parents Association, attendance at numerous events for A.S.U. parents, or the occasional visit to campus, you will be a partner with the university in encouraging 987-65-4321 to succeed. We look forward to seeing you at an orientation program and during A.S.U. Welcome Week prior to the start of the fall semester. Information about these programs has been mailed to 987-65-4321. Many of the activities during both events are designed specifically for you. In the meantime, contact the A.S.U. Parent Program office? if you have any questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

President, A.S.U. Parents Association

Assistant Director, Parent Programs

The letter that the father wrote back is a real kicker!

Thank you for offering our son, 987-65-4321, or as we affectionately refer to him around the house – 987 – a position in the A.S.U. class of 2003. His mother, 123-45-6MOM and I are very happy that such a prestigious institution of higher education such as A.S.U. has extended this offer.

In selecting a college for 987, we are looking for a place that will prepare him for the technological challenges of the 21st century. We seek a college in which he can learn to master computers and learn to communicate with clarity and sensitivity. I can only imagine the competence with which you will, as your letter puts so well, “assist 987-65-4321 in making a successful transition from high school to college.”

We will miss 987 when he goes off to school, and are very interested in a college in which he will receive personal attention. I was particularly touched by your sentence in which you note that our “relationship with 987-65-4321 may change in the next few years.” This is certainly true. Already we are beginning to focus as well on his brother, 123-45-6BRO.

I look forward to additional communications from your office. You manage to convey more in your letters than any other college we have seen thus far.

Sincerely,

123-45-6DAD

A.k.a. Jeff Bradley



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