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During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, “May I have some breast?”
“Mr. Churchill,” replied the hostess, “in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat.” Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: “I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat.”

In October, Tulsa, Okla., firefighters were called to a church during a birthday party for Mabel McCullough. The alarm had been triggered by smoke from the candles on the cake of the 95-year-old woman. In July, Missouri’s new vehicle safety law took effect, prohibiting people from riding in the open bed of a pickup truck. However, an exception was provided for a family transporting their kids where there are too many to ride in the cab and where the truck is the family’s only vehicle. The sponsor called the exception “the Jed Clampett amendment.”

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes. Once, he told this story about a time that he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?” Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: “No Sir, I have never seen you before.”
The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: “This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.” Doyle said: “This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes. ” There is one other thing,” the driver said. “What is that?” “Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

…And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a Kentucky appliance store window: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” -Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”

In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”

In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”

In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”

In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”

On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament-Ears pierced”

Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

On a radiator repair garage: “Best place to take a leak.”

In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please extinguish the perpetual light.”

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”

On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”

On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”



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