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Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, “The Best Comeback Line Ever”

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s… just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ‘A pumpkin? Darn…is it midnight already?”

GET OUT YOUR ‘PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS’

WASHINGTON – When is a pencil not a pencil? When it’s on a Pentagon shopping list – then it’s a ”portable hand-held communications inscriber,” says a Republican senator.

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replied, “All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!”

The dentist said, “Well, that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new one, and this time, I’ll use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asked the patient.

“It’s simple,” said the dentist. “Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you. An anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and – always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake’s head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.

More than 50% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.

The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

In its ancient form, the carrot was purple, not orange.

Snails breathe through their feet!

Its illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China.

The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen ‘Born in the USA’.

The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.)

2 out of 5 people live in China or India.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

90% of people who read that will attempt it…

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.

Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.

Most lipstick contains fish scales!

What’s the most shoplifted book in the United States? The Bible!

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.

More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.

In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!



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