Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!


As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs.” Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.

He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out.

Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn’t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow- dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.

After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. “How is everything?” asked Chuck. “We’re moving” replied the man. “This is a sick neighborhood.” “Why? What happened?” replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: “Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage.”

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:…

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Dan!, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced “Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we’re taking off”, No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, “Damn it! They can’t digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!”. Needless to say, I quit.

In my college dorm we play ‘Assassin,’ like lots of students. Unlike most people, though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if you hit your target there’s never an argument about whether you really hit them because, well, they’re covered with Silly String(tm). But for those two weeks you carry your Silly String(tm) everywhere, even into classrooms where you’re automatically safe. So, there I was in this Psychology class with my friend, and we were kind of holding our Silly String at the ready while the professor lectured.
The class was Psychology of Group Behavior, and the professor was talking out our next assignment, which concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspoken
rules of a group, i.e. you don’t grab someone else’s dining-hall tray and start eating off it). She was telling us the project, which is to violate a group norm blatantly and intentionally, and then write a little two-page paper about it.
And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle and gets up on the stage with the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless to say everyone figured out what was going on, and the applause brought down the house.
He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.

|_____________________________________________|
M A R T I A L A R T S

- Learn Ancient Asian Techniques
- Develop Impressive Skills
- Learn the Art of Control
- Build Self-Confidence
- Protect Yourself
- Train with exotic Implements
- Achieve your Maximum Potential

New Class meets Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM
|_____________________________________________|

A martial arts teacher sent this design to the printer, got two hundred copies, and put them up around hi college campus. Tuesday night comes, and he arrives at the gym at a quarter of seven. To his amazement, there are already around two hundred students there! Now, based on his beautiful poster, he had expected a decent-sized group, but this was extraordinary! He glanced at his poster, and discovered why. The printer had evidently reversed two letters when typesetting the poster: the “T” and the “I” in the title had been transposed…

Eugene d’Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, “Congratulations, Herr d’Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife.”

In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador in Canada received a phone call from the CBC (CBC Canadian Broadcasting Company, a Canadian TV station).
The CBC representative on the other end of the line thanked the ambassador for his prompt arrival at interviews etc, and for a generally good year. The ambassador returned the thanks. The CBC representative then asked the ambassador what he wanted for Christmas. Thinking that it might be inappropriate for him to accept a gift, the ambassador said that he didn’t think that it was a very good idea. However, The CBC representative insisted, and in the end the ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallized
fruits. The CBC rep seemed a little puzzled at this answer, but they ended the conversation and the ambassador thought nothing more of it. Later that month, on Boxing Day, the ambassador was sitting watching the news on TV with his family when he was treated to this item at the end: “Before Christmas, we asked three foreign ambassadors
what they wanted for Christmas. The French ambassador said that he wanted world peace and an end to suffering, the German ambassador said that he wanted a
cure for cancer, and the British ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallized fruits…”



© 2015 ijokedb.com