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* Your state pays a bounty for killing the state mascot.

* You consider a six-inch snowfall a blessing for the cities because It provides instant urban renewal.

* You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.

* You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it isn’t worth taking them off for only two months.

* You believe that rushing out on the lakes with your pick-up in November is nature’s way of upgrading the state’s gene pool.

* You have a town with men foolish enough to play a tackle football snow bowl game on the Sunday after Christmas for 37 years in a row.

* You have friends who schedule their wedding in the middle of January without a thought about weather conditions.

* You are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation.

* You think a basketball team consists of twelve white boys.

* All your kids at school are above average.

* All your women are strong.

* You don’t understand why everyone thinks Garrison Keillor is so funny.

* You KNOW there is no such place as Lake Wobegone, but you have drunk St. Wendell’s beer.

* You like to come in out of the sun when the temperature gets above 72.

* You instinctively walk like a penguin for three months out of the year.

* Someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there.

* Your Dad’s sun tan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.

* You have ever apologized to a telemarketer.

* You believe that REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor under your seat.

* You have a nickname for your chain saw and you pat it on the fuel tank at the end of a hard day’s sawing.

* You may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk.

* You like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics.

* You beam with pride when some King or Hollywood super star comes to The Mayo Clinic to save their lives.

* You consider snow banks to be just another rough on the golf course.

* You have no “spring” sports season.

* You have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

* You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.

* Your birthday was in April, and you still got to use the shovel right away.

* Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.

* You go to a high school basketball game, the score is 12-8 at halftime, and you don’t think there’s anything strange about that.

* You have ever had an entire telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

* You know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, and Shakopee.

* You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.

* You support the preservation of forests, farmland and wetlands because that’s where you hunt deer, pheasants and geese.

* You think it’s best to eat Jell-O after it’s molded.

* You consider Lime Jell-O a highly versatile food: a breakfast dish when it is filled with fruit, a salad when it has shredded carrots and dab of mayonnaise, and a dessert when topped with dream whip.

* You voted for Mondale.

* You never had to rewind any part of “Fargo” because you missed some of the dialogue.

* Your town isn’t trying to be ironic when it plans “winter carnival”.

* You always believed that vacation meant “going up north”

* Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

* Your town has an annual festival honoring a fruit, vegetable ethnic food.

* You know where the “iron range” is.

* The temperature in March is above freezing for three days in a row, and you think it’s summer.

* You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire East Coast.

* You understand, and can explain, illegal defense, the infield fly rule, and icing.

* The first time you saw “Grumpy Old Men” you thought it was a documentary.

* You think that “UFF DA” is a Standard English phrase.

* Your favorite sport when it’s cold outside is played where it’s cold inside.

* You can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen “Ole and Lena”jokes.

* You know people named Ole and Lena.

* You thank God every morning for not making you an Iowan.

* You believe that bitter cold, a slippery surface, and speed go together in a sport and on the Interstate freeway.

* You hear that the stock market is up and you think the price of hogs has gained 50 cents per hundred in weight.

* You think of SPAM as a quality, all-purpose meat product whether served with eggs for breakfast, in a sandwich at noontime, or in a hot-dish for supper.

* Every time you see moonlight on a lake you think of a dancing bear, and sing, gently, “From the land of sky-blue water, Hamm’s, the beer refreshing. Hamm’s, the beer refreshing.”

* You remember the thrill of going to the top of the Foshay Tower.

* Your dog dies, your spouse leaves you, you lose your job, and your car breaks down, all on the same day, and the first thought that comes to your mind is, “It could be worse.”

Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:

- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo.”

- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.

* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blanket head.

* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.

* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as “Petey-Boy.”

* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.

* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Chirac asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Chirac sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do.

Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;

“Why that’s great, mister!
But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”

May 30th – Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home I love it here.

June 14th – Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th – Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th – The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th – Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th – I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th – Dry f***ing heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th – Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th – 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this f***ing state.

Aug 8th – If another wise ass cracks,”Hot enough for you today?”, I’m going to tear his f***ing throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted f***ing Garfield!!

Aug 10th – The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It’s been too hot to f*** for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the f***ing pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.

Aug 14th – Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the f***ing windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th – Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The f***ing monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it’s new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving to New York for some peace and quiet.

© 2015