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The following are actual stories told by travelers from Mendocino County, California to travel agents in the UK…

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response… click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

I got a call from a man who asked, “is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don’t.

If it’s fizzy and flavored, it’s tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.

The smallest beer is a pint.

Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.

If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.

It’s not a water fountain, it’s a bubblah.

It’s not a trash can, it’s a barrel.

It’s not a shopping cart, it’s a carriage.

It’s not a purse, it’s a pockabook.

Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.

They’re not franks, they’re haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.

* You don’t understand why there aren’t more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.

* You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them.

* You think a mountain is that big freakin’ hill in Atlantic Highlands.

* You know Asbury Park is no longer the mecca of East Coast resort towns.

* Even though there’s a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go to the Englishtown Auction for cheap stuff.

* You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.

* Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.

* You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.

* You can smell and know when it’s low tide.

* The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar.

* There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin’ way… “yous gotta problem wit dat?”

* You’ve had sex on the beach, and I’m not talking about the beverage.

* You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

* You know what skeeball is and you can get three 50′s in a row.

* You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.

* You’ve run out of money on the Parkway.

* You’re Italian.

* You know where to get the best bagels and pizza.

* Donald Trump is mentioned at least daily in your local paper.

* You say “water” weird. (Wooder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever).

* Even your school made good Italian subs.

* You’ve lived through hurricanes, nor’easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.

* You can’t believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

* You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros.creation.

* You only go to New York City for day trips.

* You know what a “jug handle” is.

* You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

* You’ve eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll…and like it.

* You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.

* You’ve pondered, “Maybe basketball would be more popular in New Jersey if the Nets didn’t blow,”

* You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)!

* In high school, you worked at a Friendly’s.

* Route 18 doesn’t freak you out at night.

* Because your town was founded before 1776, all the restaurants, taverns and shops have “ye,” “olde,” and “colonial” in their names.

* You don’t have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.

* You once said, “It smells like New York in here.”

* You’ve waited for the damn drawbridge for more than 20 damn minutes.

* At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.

* There’s a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.

* “Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell” is your attitude.

* You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word “damn” while driving.

* You don’t take any shit from anybody. Especially from someone from New York, because you live here for christ’s sake and just who the hell do they think they are anyway? Invading our damn beaches and bars, they’re just here for the damn summer and they think they own the damn place and….

* You’ve gone to the race track with twenty different daily double bets from twenty different people.

* You’ve spent St Patrick’s day in Belmar.

* You know that there are bakeries which are not part of a supermarket, but actual individual stores.

* You’ve ordered a “hard roll with butter” for breakfast.

* One time, a sea gull shit on your head.

* You’ve eaten at a Windmill, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.

* You know what a “benny” is and can pick one out at the beach.

* You’ve planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin’ Donuts.

* You’re an aggressive driver.

* At least 5 people in your immediate family have asthma.

* Your drinking water should not be used for drinking.

* Your town has more water restrictions than people living in “dry” states i.e. Arizona, and Nevada.

* Potholes are as common as mosquitoes.

* You believe pigeons carry hand guns.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
“Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
“Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
“Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?”
“Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?”
“I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”

© 2015