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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
“Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
“Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

- You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.

- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.

- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.

- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.

- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.

- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your “Just do me” tank top to the beach.

- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of “professor” among your aunts.

- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

- If someone in your family grows beyond 5’6″, it is presumed his mother had an affair.

- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

- At some point in your life, you were a D.J

- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say “Pronto” when answering the phone.

- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone’s thespian greatness.

- Somewhere on your parents’ property, there is a bathtub Madonna.

- You build your house with 3 materials…. brick, brick and wrought iron.

- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.

- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.

- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.

- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, “He shoulda kept his big yap shut.”

Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:

- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo.”

- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.

* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blanket head.

* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.

* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as “Petey-Boy.”

* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.

* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, “I’ll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness’s in 10 minutes.”
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, “Is that bet still on?”
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness’s up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, “Where did you go when you just left?”
The Irishman answers, “I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it.”

• “Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.”
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

• “Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey”
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

• “Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram”
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

• “Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar”
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.

• “Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban”
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

• “Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande”
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

• “Balli, Balli, Balli”
Whatever you say.

• “Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti”
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

• “Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.”
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

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