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Don’t call it Beantown.

Don’t pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They’ll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville).

Don’t swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.

Don’t sleep in the Common.

Don’t wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick’s Day.

- You can have a woman president without electing her.

- You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

- You can call Budwieser beer.

- You can be a crook and still be president.

- If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

- If you can breathe, you can get a gun.

- You can invent a new public holiday every year.

- You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

- You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy.”

- With very little effort you can annoy the French!

Alabama: Sisters Make Good Wives or At Least We’re not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!

Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Drugs-R-Us or Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not.. But The Potatoes sure are real good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: “10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes”

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Sheep Make Good Wives Too or Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney…

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: YEE HAWWWWW! or Si Hablo Ing les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah: Olympics and Scandal or Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re overrun by nerds and slackards

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die or Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

1. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

4. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

9. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

10. It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it’s really hot.

This group of New Yorkers went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Golden Gates that day. He didn’t know what to do with so many people at the gates so he ran to God.

St. Peter said, “God there is a group of New Yorkers at the gates and they want to get in.”

God says, “Well, what is the problem? Let them in, two at a time if you have to.”

So St. Peter runs back to the gates to let them in. A few seconds later God hears St. Peter running back.

St. Peter comes running up to God and says, “God, they’re gone!”

God says, “Who? The New Yorkers?”

St. Peter says, “No, the Golden Gates!”



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