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* You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

* You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

* You can make instant sun tea.

* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly…

* You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* Hot water now comes out of both taps.

* It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door…

* You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

* No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning…

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds.

“Aaah!” he said. “We’re right over my homeland.”

“How can you tell?” asked the American.

“I can feel the cold air,” he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. “Aah we’re right over my homeland,” he said.

“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.

“I can feel the heat of the desert.”

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. “Aah, we’re right over New York.”

The Russian and the African were amazed.

“How do you know all of that?!” they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up and said, “My watch is missing.”

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one’s beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.

The Scott took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.

The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex:___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female____both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list:

Brand of cell phone: ________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check haircolor:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ________
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ________


If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

In the event of an earthquake, should you:

a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You’re not sure what “rain” is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium

If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:

a) Pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

* You think Central Park is “nature.”

* You’re paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a “steal.”

* You’ve been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

* You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

* You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

* You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

* Going to Brooklyn is considered a “road trip.”

* America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

* You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

* You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

* Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

* $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

* Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

* You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that it means Manhattan.

* You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

* You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

* You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

* Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

* The subway makes sense.

* The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

* You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

* You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

* You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple.”

* Your door has more than three locks.

* You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

* Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

* The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

* You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

* You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard. You complain about having to mow it.

* You are a skee-ball juggernaut.

* You consider Westchester “Upstate.”

* You cried the day Mayor Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

* You run when you see a flashing “Do Not Walk” sign at the intersection.

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