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A guy is getting desperate in a bar and walks up to a woman and says to her, “If I can name three parts of your body that resemble towns in New Jersey, you have to go home with me tonight.”

She looks at him and says, “You’re on!”

He points to her chest and says, “Point Pleasant.”

She says, “Ok, but you’ll never get two more.”

He then pinches her rear end and says, “Ship Bottom.”

She laughs and says, “Ok, that’s two; you’ll never get a third.”

He then points in between her legs and says, “Cherry Hill.”

She replies, “Well it used to be Cherry Hill, but now it’s Eatontown.”

* The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.

* The local phone book has only one yellow page.

* Third Street is on the edge of town.

* You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.

* You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.

* No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

* You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

* Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

* The city limits signs are both on the same post!

* The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

* The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.

* The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 – 5 1/2.

* The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.

* The phone book has only one page.

* There’s nothing doing every minute.

* The ZIP code is a fraction.

* Second Street is in the next town over.

* There’s no place to go that you shouldn’t.

* A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.

* The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.

* The New Year’s baby was born in October.

The taxi has arrived to take me to the Port for the start of my Mediterranean cruise. Im really excited, even though my Moshe is not able to join me on this trip. Ive packed all my Gucci outfits, my breakfast wear, my sports wear, my lounge wear, my evening wear and my seductive negligees. And I only needed 7 suitcases.

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and I saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful holiday this has started to be. I met the Captain today – he seems like a very nice man.

Today I spent some time in the ship’s swimming pool. I also played bridge with some ladies in the piano bar and did some aerobics. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He’s a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

I spent the morning in the ships casino and won $95. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him, this time in his state room. He somehow knew I was Jewish and so our menu was knaidelach soup followed by hot salt beef, roast potatoes and latkes, plus some new green cucumbers and hot peppers, followed by a lockshen pudding. The champagne he chose was very nice. Afterwards, he asked me to stay the night with him but I declined – I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my Moshe. The Captain seemed upset after all the thought he had put into the meal.

I went back to the top-side swimming pool today and got a little sunburned so decided to spend the rest of the day in the piano bar. The Captain saw me there and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming man. He again asked me to spend the night with him. But when I again declined, he got angry and told me that if I didnt stay the night with him tomorrow, he would sink the ship. I was obviously horrified and very worried.

I saved 1,600 lives today – twice!

– Guinness.

– 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.

– You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.

– Pubs never close.

– Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend you can’t have sex with a condom on.

– You’ve blown up the Queen’s horses!

– Old Bushmills.

– Stew.

– More Guiness.

– Eating stew and drinking Guiness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

– Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

– You make over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house.

– You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

– You can’t remember … is pot illegal?

– You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

– You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

– A really great parking space can move you to tears.

– You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

– Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named “Breeze.” And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

– A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don’t notice.

– A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don’t notice.

– You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

– You keep a list of companies to boycott.

– Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.

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