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* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

* You were born somewhere else.

* You know how to eat an artichoke.

* The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

* Your car has bullet-proof windows.

* Left is right and right is wrong.

* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

* Your mouse has only one ball.

* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

* You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

* You drive to your neighborhood block party.

* Your family tree contains “significant others.”

* Your cat has its own psychiatrist.

* You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

* More than clothes come out of the closets.

* When “the Dead” are best live.

* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

* More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

* Smoking in your office is not optional.

* You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

* When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch.”

* Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

* Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

* You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

* You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

* A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

* When all highways into the state say: “no fruits.”

* All highways out of the state say: “Go back.”

- The wind is faster than your truck.

- Every other vehicle is a 4×4.

- When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat.

- In March, your vehicle is 43% mud.

- You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it’s still there.

- You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.

- You hear the words “stream” or “brook” pronounced “crick.”

- The elevation exceeds the population.

- You’ve broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you.

- You can see the stars at night.

- People drive 200 miles to shop in a real mall.

- Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.

- You got a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.

- The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.

- Your back yard smells like sagebrush or various animals.

- A girls’ basketball game fills the gym.

- You slept through the night unawakened by a siren.

- A rodeo is more popular than a rock concert.

- You can fish, golf, and go skiing all in the same day if you try hard enough.

- Yellow light means “follow the car in front of you no matter what.”

- Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered species list.

- You wave to someone on the freeway because you recognize the truck.

- You talk about a combine and people don’t wonder what you are putting together.

- In the spring, every tenth car you pass is a tractor.

- When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer instead of a drunk.

- Maps and gloves are kept in your vehicle’s “jocky box.”

- You can choose plastic bags or paper sacks for your groceries.

- You have to wait for a flock of sheep to pass you on the road.

- You know why people pay money to watch “pig wrestling.”

- Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

- You make over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house.

- You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

- You can’t remember … is pot illegal?

- You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

- You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

- A really great parking space can move you to tears.

- You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

- Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named “Breeze.” And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

- A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don’t notice.

- A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don’t notice.

- You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

- You keep a list of companies to boycott.

- Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.

Stupid questions asked by cruise passengers

Moshe: How many feet are we above sea level?

Hetty: Do all the crew sleep onboard?

Judith: Do you use salt water or fresh water in the toilets?

Jacob: Does this ship generate its own electricity?

Issy: Which of the lifts will take us right to the front of the ship?

Sadie: What time does the ship’s midnight buffet start?

Hannah: Is this lovely tropical island completely surrounded by water?

1. Weed!

2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.

3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.

4. The local wine doesn’t taste like malt vinegar.

5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown.

6. A university with a nude beach.

7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.

8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash.

9. There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

10. Cannabis.

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