Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human … to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
12. To err is human … to really screw things up royally requires a computer.

I am a silicon based life form from a galaxy far, far away, visiting your P.C. I have transformed myself into this email. As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Oh god that feels good!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I especially enjoy it when you scroll down on me.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

That’s it . … . keep scrolling.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Don’t stop!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Click it baby, click it!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Faster

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Faster

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

more ooohh yeahh

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

harder

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

give it to me , just like I like it

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Faster

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

F A S T E R !

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

That was amazing!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

You are the best I’ve had yet. And I know you enjoyed it too because you are smiling. Do you know how I know that you’re smiling? ‘cos I can see you.

Now please pass me on to someone else because I’m really horny

I’m sure you’ve heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half – empty or half – full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

Basic programmers: No thanks; I’m still breast feeding.

Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

CIA: What makes you think that’s milk?

National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ!

Non – procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.

NSA: We know what it really is.

Paranoid: Here is a glass just sitting here. Why? Who put it here? WHY WHY WHY!!! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!

Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?

Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999… but don’t hold me to that.

Prolog programmers: I know I drank it – just don’t ask me how.

Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn’t pay for it!

Faith – healer: If we worship it, it will feel better.

Feminist: How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE?

Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow’s contribution to all mankind!

Futurist: The milk’s in the wrong half of the glass.

Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

IBM: Rent the glass from us and we’ll fill it with something we know is good for you.

Idealist: In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough for everyone to enjoy.

IRS: Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

Mac users: Where’s my pump?

MIS: I’LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

Schroedinger: That stupid cat got into the milk again!

Security consultant: Where’d the rest of the milk go?

Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

UI designers: What’s that crap in my glass?

UNIX users: Nahh… too easy.

Windows users: Where’s my straw?

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.

“Hey, bud, how are ya?”

“I’m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!”

“Well, I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot!”

“No way, how could that be?”

“Way! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that’s not all, she can have sex, too!”

“Holy shit! You’re kidding, right?”

“No, she’s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her.”

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming “Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp” Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”

The guy says, “Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!”



© 2015 ijokedb.com