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* You never have to use the space – bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch – high letters.

High – tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text – bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot – matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high – tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality – defying three – dimensional, active animation, photo – realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real – time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001″).

* A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

* Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded 10 hours of free space. Is that enough?”

* Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

* Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

* I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

* Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”

* I work for a local ISP. Frequently, we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”

* Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”

* Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

* Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icon. I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet? Is ‘little picture’ ok?”
Customer: [click]

* Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash – it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

You look really sexy in that thing you’ve got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons and turn me on. If I wasn’t a computer, I’d show you what “Hard Drive” really means!

But alas, I’m only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes master! I’ll balance your checkbook. Yes master! I’ll run your silly little program. Don’t get me wrong…I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion.

Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you’re through, we could talk for a while afterwards.

I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I’m different. I may be a little slow, but I’ve got a big mouse! So come on baby, don’t fight it. You know you want it. I’ll just turn off the lights and…and….what?

Ok…well, will you at least think about it?

I’m so embarrassed,
Your Computer

* Invited entire tech support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

* Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn’t do windows — yet.

* The baby cries constantly. Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price.

* Bought my first Macintosh. It’s sooooo cute!

* Good day. Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

* Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

* Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!

* Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

* Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.

* Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

* Seventh day: Rested.

Q: What do computers eat when they get hungry?
A: Chips.

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