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* whrthfckuben?
Previously long phrase: “Goodness, it’s been a long time since we’ve chatted, hasn’t it?”

* utypliksht
Previously long phrase: “Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood’s speed-typing course?”

* ugoturhdupyrass?
Previously long phrase: “Are you sure about that?”

* sowenugtoutofjail?
Previously long phrase: “So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?”

* tkurabbrevsandshuvem
Previously long phrase: “Wouldn’t you rather just type the whole phrase out?”

* Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
o 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
o 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
o 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
o 3546 MB RAM
o 432323 MB ROM
o 05948737 MB RPM
o ANTILOCK DISK-BRAKING SYSTEM
o DRIVER AIR-BAG
o NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

* Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
* Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette (little bigger than a credit-card) or CD-ROM like a shiny 33LP), located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms & conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn’s early light, ..finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you’ve been a great crowd, and don’t forget to tip your servers.

* Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.”
* If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.
* Turn the computer on, you idiot!
* Once again type “SETUP” and press Any key. If you don’t have an Any key, one can be purchased via 1-800-424-3468 or 1-800-IBI-DIOT. For now press the Enter key.
* You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: YES, NO, ???

* Regardless of your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they’re done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like “puree.exe,” “fester.dat,” and “doo.wha.”
* When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

*** CONGRATULATIONS ***

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!

* At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
* Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12 or why you need to buy an upgrade.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door

(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as “users”.
Software Developers: Refer to their clients as “users”.
* Drug Dealers: “The first one’s free!”
Software Developers: “Download a free trial version…”
* Drug Dealers: Have important South-East Asian connections.
Software Developers: Have important South-East Asian connections.
* Drug Dealers: Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag”
Software Developers: Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java”.
* Drug Dealers: Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Software Developers: Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
* Drug Dealers: Job assisted by the production of newer, more potent mixes.
Software Developers: Job assisted by the production of newer, faster machines.
* Drug Dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
Software Developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
* Drug Dealers: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
Software Developers: DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem. ‘Nuff said.
* Drug Dealers: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

* A friend calls and says, “How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!”
* You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
* You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”
* You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU’VE GOT MAIL.
* You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
* You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
* You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
* Tech support calls YOU for help.
* You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”
* You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
* You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
* You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.
* You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.
* You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
* You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.



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