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Thine eyes shine like CDs in the morning sun,
I long to have thy software in my hands.
And when you send a GIF for me to run,
I feel a sudden twitch within my glands.

How sweet our cybersex in private rooms,
You type of lust and send it over the Net.
How sad it seems when my love’s signoff looms,
I leave my mousepad miserable and wet.

And yet I wonder on my lover’s face
I only know thee through thine online chat,
And although I do not care about thy race,
Perhaps thou has the features of a rat.

But in the end your beauty matters not,
for it’s your email that gets me so hot.

The day Microsoft will make something that doesn’t suck is probably the day they’ll start making vacuum cleaners.

* No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet.

* Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel.

* No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter – until iSmell becomes available, that is.

* The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria’s Secret store.

* Don’t have to worry about giving in to that Orange Julius temptation.

* Since you haven’t been able to get through your front door in years, is a Godsend.

* Within seconds of buying grandma a large-print bible, you’re back to downloading that sweet, sweet porn.

* Can continue to test your theory you can live without leaving your specially designed “BioChair 2″.

* Can openly consult the voices in your head when buying that gift for Jodie Foster.

* Less contact with other humans means fewer on your list to be gunned down at a later date.

* You can finally get that kidney Uncle Bob always wanted.

* In a store, you can’t pleasure yourself watching Tommy Lee put it to Pam while your purchase is being wrapped.

* No insensitive idiots razzing you about that place you tuck your wallet when you shop naked.

* When your name is Dick Buttlipz, it’s better to not have to hand your Visa to a 16 year old sales clerk.

At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

• The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.

• Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

• Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.

• You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

© 2015