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What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted
’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless,
and your system’s gonna crash!

If the above doesn’t help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet,
the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s
getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory
and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your mom!

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to “Moft”
which will clear up space on users’ hard disks. It is estimated that a
typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,842,597 iterations of
the word “Microsoft”, in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements,
‘About’ screens, as well as several multi-megabyte files containing
nothing else (the so-called ego.dll series), etc.

So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space.
Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the

“Well, the programs will take up less space on the user’s disk,” said
Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. “But we have never cared about that. The change
will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving
about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at
shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance
‘The Microsoft Exchange’ may be changed to ‘The Moft Pit’.

Gates denied that the move was because of problems with the alleged long
filename support in Win95 which still uses 8.3 filenames underneath.
He did admit, however, that “MICROSO~1″ did look a little ugly.

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential
savings has been rewarded with a free copy of ‘Moft Off for Moft Win 95′.

A Computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A Window was something you hated to clean
And a Ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.

An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.

Log On was adding wood to the fire
Hard Drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider’s home
And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody’s been killed in a Computer Crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

* The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft’s example and actually ship them the following May.

* Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users’ group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.

* In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country’s intellectual property.

* When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.

* When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year’s form.

* Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the prior year is no longer supported.

* The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft’s, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.

* After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.

* The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.

* Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.

* The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

I don’t wanna do the dishes,
I don’t wanna do the wash;
I sprinkled clothes a week ago,
And now my iron is lost!!

I don’t wanna rattle pots,
I don’t wanna rattle pans,
I see the mail light flashin,
I wanna chat with friends!!

Oh the tables need some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped;
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place I can stop!

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elfs

They could sprinkle fairy dust,
and twitch their little nose.
The windows would be sparkling;
I would have no dirty clothes.

Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’,
My head is in the sky;
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie.

The Hubby needs a bath;
Doggy needs attention.
Wait! The other way around I mean -
my brain is in suspension.

I am runnin round in circles,
I am gettin nothin done,
I keep thinking of my web chat,
I am missing all the fun!

Well I know I’m not addicted,
Though I hear that all the time,
But I guess this stuff can wait on me -
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!

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