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Q: What is an example of a never halting program?
A: Friedrichs and Magnus in front of an open elevator, each saying “you go first”.

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web – deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7. I will read a book… if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime… and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL,
I really yearned!
I tried to stay busy…
And keep it off my mind.
So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics
was staring at me.
But I didn’t care.
I had to get on line!
Check my mail,
and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd
as I began to cry.
I couldn’t find the password
no matter how hard I tried!
I need my AOL!!
I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places,
check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security!
I heard her whisper low,
“We have ourselves a Psycho here”
and she has got to go!”
Security rushed over.
Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered
from AOL withdrawal.
He slapped cuffs on my wrists
and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said,
“Don’t come round here no more!”
I feel so embarrassed!!
I have sunk so low!
To be kicked out of Wal-Mart….
How low can I go?
So I’ll try really hard now
to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits
and my AOL addiction!

“Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?”
“No…”
“Inheritance.”

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of “I Love You” variations and how to recognize them:

- The “I Love You, But I’m Shy” virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

- The “Unrequited Love” virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.

- The “Love The One You’re With” virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

- The “Can’t We Just Be Friends” virus makes your computer think it’s interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.

- The “One Night Stand” virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.

- The “Happily Married” virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

- The “Unhappily Married” virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

- The “I Can’t Commit” virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer’s data.

- The “It’s Just A Physical Thing” virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.

- The “I Want A Divorce” virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer’s best data in an ugly network session.

- The “Little Virus Of The Evening” virus will do anything to your computer–if you’re willing to pay the right price.

- The “Stalker” virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.

- The “Forever Single” virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.

- The “Deadbeat Dad” virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

- The “Married Too Long” virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.



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