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1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! – you’ve got a fly swatter.
3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
5. Money clip (use metal door and discard the plastic case…the “rich nerd” look is IN this year).
6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Air hockey puck.
18. Dog chew toy.
19. Dart board.
20. Pooper scooper.
21. Grill scraper.
22. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
23. Wrist slicer – after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
24. Conversation piece for coffee table.
25. Destroy them – smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
26. Light switch cover.
27. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
28. Clay pigeons for target practice.
29. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
30. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
31. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
32. Firewood.
33. Bird house.
34. Paper weights.
35. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
36. Post it-notes holder.
37. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
38. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
39. Keep ‘em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
40. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon – actually works).
41. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
42. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
43. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
44. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car’s hood).
45. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
46. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
47. Hand them out as party favors.
48. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe… who would want an AOL disk?)
49. Vertical blinds.
50. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
51. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
52. Grind ‘em up and refertilize the front lawn.
53. The new “Domino’s stuffed-crust pizza” filling.
54. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
55. Brake shoes.
56. House insulation.
57. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
58. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates’ new mansion in Seatle (walk all over the competition)
59. Hockey Puck.
60. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
61. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
62. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk…makes the perfect pet.
63. Poker chips.
64. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
65. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you’ve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
66. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
67. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
68. Grind them up to make fake snow.
69. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
70. Dental floss (use actual disk).
71. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
72. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
73. Use them to fill potholes.
74. Hood ornament.
75. Snow blower replacement blades.
76. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
77. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
78. Rubic’s cube case (make into box).
79. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
80. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
81. Snack trays (great for holding hors d’oeuvres at parties).
82. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who tick you off.
83. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2″ apart and apply honey to disks).
84. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector -thanks Lewis).
85. They make a *dandy* addition to a annoying neighbor’s back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
86. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
87. Wax scraper for snowboards.
88. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Comp USA underwater.
89. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
90. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
91. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
92. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
93. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas….)
94. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
95. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center – use about 200).
96. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
97. Baby mobile.
98. Fence (may need a few thousand).
99. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
100. One word: Frisbee!
101. Mouse hole covers.

This memo is *supposedly* from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.”

I got up this morning, but haven’t yet dressed.
My dishes aren’t done, and my house is a mess.
Have not done my work, have not fed the cat,
Just on for a second, and popped into “chat”.

I used to watch TV, I used to cook Mex,
I think I remember I used to have SEX!
I used to walk upright, now roll on my chair,
‘Tho it causes the neighbors and children to STARE!

I wanted to travel around on the Net,
Been too busy chatting to get on there yet!
I wanted to spreadsheet, word process, or paint,
But gettin’ on with ‘em is what I just ain’t!

So much to learn and I wanted to, but
I’m too busy chatting and splitting a gut,
“lisnin’” to people like NH and Cin,
Oh, gawd, what a fix I have got myself in!

Then up pops a name on my neat BuddyList,
Think I’ll go out and give HIS tail a twist!
And in comes an IM from some weirdo-guy,
I cuss ‘im, insult ‘im, and tell him ‘bye ‘bye.

Is there a 12-step support group, or such?
For those of us folks who just chat on too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob’ly would be here on line!

Are there therapists here? I think that I saw some.
It’s got me, it’s GOT me, it’s power is AWESOME!
It’s my new computer, I’ve had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a geek.

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs,
Please help me, please help me, please get me off line!
Or better, please e-mail a burger and fries,
‘Cuz I’m staying ON here, at least ’til I DIES!!

What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted
’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless,
and your system’s gonna crash!

If the above doesn’t help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet,
the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s
getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory
and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your mom!

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like an aeroplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like something to watch films on.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son, who had caught the ‘Western’ movie bug, replied, “Daddy,I would like a cowboy outfit.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft.



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