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Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.

Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”

First man: “You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms.”

Second man: “That gives a whole new meaning to the words, ‘General Protection Fault.’”

Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad.
So that blind students can hate them too.

* Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as “users”.
Software Developers: Refer to their clients as “users”.
* Drug Dealers: “The first one’s free!”
Software Developers: “Download a free trial version…”
* Drug Dealers: Have important South-East Asian connections.
Software Developers: Have important South-East Asian connections.
* Drug Dealers: Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag”
Software Developers: Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java”.
* Drug Dealers: Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Software Developers: Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
* Drug Dealers: Job assisted by the production of newer, more potent mixes.
Software Developers: Job assisted by the production of newer, faster machines.
* Drug Dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
Software Developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
* Drug Dealers: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
Software Developers: DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem. ‘Nuff said.
* Drug Dealers: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI System Can’t See It

DOS Defective Operating System

BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM I Blame Microsoft

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers

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