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A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: “Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS”.
“G.O.O.D” answered his wife.

It has been brought to my attention that there’s an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

Even though I’m running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it’s a mutating virus which isn’t set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2001.

As many viri are, this one is transmitted by email. I’m required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:

* Click your start button.
* Click on “Find”.
* Click on Files / Folders.
* Change the “look in” input box to “My Computer”.
* The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR “UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT” MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR END.

TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU **MUST** EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU’RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU’RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN *DENY* THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

* Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hip” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (“You don’t know? RDFM”).

* WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON’T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

* When replying to your mail, correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your ‘creative criticism,” do it again. Continue until they go away.

* Software and files offered on-line are often “compressed” so that it won’t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like “Thanks.”

* Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like “SexyHouseWives,” then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload’s popularity.

* cc: all your E-mail to president@whitehouse.gov so that he can keep track of what’s happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

* Join a discussion group, and tie whatever’s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you’re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won’t work.”
Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”
Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”
Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?”
Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work either.”
Tech Support: “You did what sir?”
Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.”
Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”
Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?”
Customer: “I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”
Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?”
Silence
Tech Support: “Sir?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?”
Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?”
Customer: “Ummmm.”
Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?”
Customer: (now rather humbled) “But you’re supposed to help!”
Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day.”



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