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14. “Twice as many rides — all 40% slower!!”

13. The neighboring “Microsoft Theme Park” keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.

12. The really good rides you keep hearing about aren’t accessible at all.

11. Your ticket is good for “500 free hours!” but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.

10. The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, “We’re sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later.”

9. Ride attendants keep insisting they’re busty young vixens despite the fact that they’re all over 40, dirty, and male.

8. None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.

7. A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it’s still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.

6. Even though you’ve paid your monthly entrance fee, you can’t get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.

5. Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.

4. The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.

3. You’re visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.

2. “We’re sorry, but the ‘Mr. Case’s Obscenely Long Ride Line’ ride is unavailable. Please try again soon.”

1. IT’S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”.

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand”.

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill Gates responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair”.

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, “Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. “Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division. “Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.”

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah. Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user’s system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user’s Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Islam, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system “user-friendly”, licensed the cartoon character “Woody Woodpecker” as the “Internet guide.” Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product.

A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely.

The reason: the ads featured the slogan “Touch Woody – The Internet Pecker.”

An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what “touch woody” and “pecker” meant in American slang.

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?”
“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”
“It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I broke my wife’s hard drive!”



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