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Q: Why is sex like software?
A: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.

Tired of smiley faces? Try these…

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) Perky breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{ O }{ O } D cups

(oYo) Wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts

(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts

o/o/ Grandma’s Breasts

( – )( – ) Against The Shower Door Breasts

| o | | o | Android Breasts

($) ($) Martha Stewart’s Breasts

Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58 – digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen.
Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufaturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD – ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk – - we mean forgetful customer – - and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !)
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics – related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral “one” on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.”
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last – resort – only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read – Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know – it – all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
7. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call Technical Support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD – ROM titles you may wish to purchase, If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now.
This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push “one” if you would like to be connected again to Technical Support.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non – living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

My computer crashed and died today
And I thought, “oh well what the hey”
Now I’d have time to clean my house
And see if I still had a spouse
It started out with weird frustrations
Combined with mild heart palpitations
And then my ankles began to swell
Withdrawal symptoms from no AOL
Chills ran up and down my spine
Oh, God I had to get on-line
To greet my buds and check my mail
I began to feel helpless and frail
Then I remembered the Good Guy’s Store
And all those computers by the door
I’d go there and when alone
With no one looking I’d sign-on
I stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL
The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell
I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem sound
I was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to pound
Then I typed my password, and the computer said, “Goodbye”
And that’s what I kept hearing each time that I would try.
This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks
If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fix
I …slowly… typed… my… password…
then…I…stood….and…waited
The darned thing said , “Goodbye” again and I got real frustrated
That’s when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen
And the last thing I remember is my loud shreiking scream
When I woke I was handcuffed being booked I think
I asked the data entry cop, if he’d get me a drink
Now I’m sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well.
If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.

* Before AOL group sex meant the risk of STD’s. Now you run the risk of getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

* Before AOL family reunions were needed just to touch base, and the main topic was how Cousin Jed was in jail. Now IM’s are used to touch base and they start flying as cousin Jed is TOS’d for soliciting passwords.

* Before AOL teens would be embarrassed to go to the local news-stand and pick up a copy of playboy. Now you have to hide the credit cards to keep them from buying “Live Nudies” on the Internet.

* Before AOL you sat down and explained to your teen about using condoms. Now you find yourself out buying a spill-proof keyboard.

* Before AOL your mother ordered pizza from a paper menu. Now she orders from a “virtual” pizza shop, and gets pissed when the delivery never comes.

* Before AOL your husband sent flowers for your B-day, Valentines, etc. Now He shows his affection by sending you roses from a virtual florist, and justifies it by stating, “They will never die.”

* Before AOL you had sex in bed with your spouse. Now you expect your significant other to sign on with Big44D4U or HungLo10 respectively.

* Before AOL you dined out. Now you scrape last nights meal from your keyboard.

* Before AOL, You would get upset that your wife went shopping. Now she can shop till she drops just so long as you hide the credit card.

* Before AOL the ugliest person you had ever met made a pass at you and you shot them down grimacing. Now you have no clue as to who that person really is that you cybered last night.

* Before AOL people used terrible pick up lines at the bar. Now they bombard you with IM’s asking you to get nekkid.

* Before AOL teachers could go to the library, look inside an Encyclopaedia and tell if you had plagiarized the hell out of it. Now they can surf the web for years and still have no clue.

* Before AOL people would prejudge you by your physical appearance and /or abilities. Now they listen to what you have to say before they make a decision.



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