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Dear __________:

We regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus.

It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple “screw you” or “muuuuaaaahhhhh”.

It appears to be predominant in WebTV and AOL users but has been detected in the *real* internet users’ community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated.

You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years.


1. KEYBOARD COURAGE: The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.

2. WOOHOO: The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).

3. HOLIDAY INN-hibition: The need to take someone to a private room.

4. P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAUMATIC POP UP DISORDER): Heavy reliance on popups.

5. HORIZONTAL RETINAL SCAN: Inability to read anything that doesn’t scroll up.


7. CYBER TURRETS SYNDROME: The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.

8. RED EYE: Elimination of any whites from the eye.

9. VIRTUAL SPEED: The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.

10. SLEEP APATHY: Going without sleep to chat.

11. CYBER ANOREXIA: Going without food to chat.

12.SYMBOLIC DYSLEXIA: The use of initials instead of words i.e.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.

13. NIC IDENTITY CRISIS: The adoption of a nic as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.

Thanks for your time,

Dr. Pete O. Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

© 2015