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Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

In the beginning was the computer. And God said :Let there be light!

#You have not signed on yet.
:God.

#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!

(to the tune of “Home on the Range” Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu)

VERSE:
Oh give me a site
where the links all work right –
one that doesn’t take too long to load –
where the text can be seen
on my 13-inch screen –
one that offers a “no-Java” mode.

REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me –
I’m still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE:
Though your video files
give your pages some style
I can’t read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
crash my system, I’ve found,
so please put in some “alt” tags for me!

REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me –
I’m still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE:
Please don’t ask me to “chat”
with your favorite cat;
I don’t have an IRC code.
And don’t ask me to buy
games for Win 95 –
My PC is way too darn old!

REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me –
I’m still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2007:

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
* Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
* Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
* Close your eyes and press escape three times.
* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
* This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
* Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
* This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
* To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
* BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
* COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
* CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
* Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
* WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
* User Error: Replace user.
* Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
* Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
* If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?
* Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. “Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ASCII file as a Word file anyway?”
* Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.



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