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This memo is *supposedly* from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.”

I got up this morning, but haven’t yet dressed.
My dishes aren’t done, and my house is a mess.
Have not done my work, have not fed the cat,
Just on for a second, and popped into “chat”.

I used to watch TV, I used to cook Mex,
I think I remember I used to have SEX!
I used to walk upright, now roll on my chair,
‘Tho it causes the neighbors and children to STARE!

I wanted to travel around on the Net,
Been too busy chatting to get on there yet!
I wanted to spreadsheet, word process, or paint,
But gettin’ on with ‘em is what I just ain’t!

So much to learn and I wanted to, but
I’m too busy chatting and splitting a gut,
“lisnin’” to people like NH and Cin,
Oh, gawd, what a fix I have got myself in!

Then up pops a name on my neat BuddyList,
Think I’ll go out and give HIS tail a twist!
And in comes an IM from some weirdo-guy,
I cuss ‘im, insult ‘im, and tell him ‘bye ‘bye.

Is there a 12-step support group, or such?
For those of us folks who just chat on too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob’ly would be here on line!

Are there therapists here? I think that I saw some.
It’s got me, it’s GOT me, it’s power is AWESOME!
It’s my new computer, I’ve had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a geek.

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs,
Please help me, please help me, please get me off line!
Or better, please e-mail a burger and fries,
‘Cuz I’m staying ON here, at least ’til I DIES!!

What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted
’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless,
and your system’s gonna crash!

If the above doesn’t help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet,
the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s
getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory
and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your mom!

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like an aeroplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like something to watch films on.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son, who had caught the ‘Western’ movie bug, replied, “Daddy,I would like a cowboy outfit.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8′s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.



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