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* Multitasking
o You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!

* Built-in Networking
o You can crash several PC’s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

* Microsoft Network
o Connect with other Windows users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.

* PnP
o Plug and Pray (that it works)

* Multimedia
o Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software.

* Increased Productivity
o You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer! That’s productivity.

* User-Friendly
o Picture of clouds

* State of the Art
o Pay for Bill’s next bid for a work of art.

* Macintosh-like
o It took Microsoft eleven years and it’s not even original.

* Online Registration
o Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your hard drive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft’s files for the rest of your life.

* MS Plus
o More money for Bill’s plus side.

* Optimize
o It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and CPU so much so that you’ll end up upgrading your system.

Once you start playing with software you quickly become awarethat each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obviousthat this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, butin reality there’s substantially more information available through the rev-codethan that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning ofthe revision codes and what they actually signify.

Also known as “one point uh-oh”, or “barely out of beta”. We had to releasebecause the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketingguys were in a cold sweat of terror. We’re praying that you’ll find it morefunctional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has someresemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

We fixed all the killer bugs …

Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had tofix them, too.

We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it’s reallynot what the customer needs yet, but we’re working on it.

Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so wehad to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so wedon’t think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won’t believehow much trouble it caused!

Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that’s been there since 1.0 and wouldn’tstop nagging until we fixed it!!

Hey, we finally think we’ve got it right! Most of the customers are reallyhappy with this.

Of course, we did break a few little things.

More features. It’s doubled in size now, by the way, and you’ll need to getmore memory and a faster processor …

Just one or two bugs this time… Honest!

We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We’re cutting the staffing after this.

We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it’s been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

Since I’m leaving the company and I’m the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I’ve made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn’t do anything). They’re talking about obsolescence planning but they’ll try to keep selling it for as long as there’s a buck or two to be made. I’m leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it’ll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old (5-1/4″) diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
4. The message, “bad command or file name,” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know what is wrong, then I’m not going to tell you.”
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get these responses.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% got a light?
No match.

% sleep with me
bad character

% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% make ‘heads or tails of all this’
Make: Don’t know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

% make sense
Make: Don’t know how to make sense. Stop.

% make mistake
Make: Don’t know how to make mistake. Stop.

% make
Make: Don’t know how to make Stop.

% ( –
( – : Command not found.

% make light
Make: Don’t know how to make light. Stop.

% date me
You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 2001

% man rear
No manual entry for rear.

% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would I have?
Too many )’s.

% * How would you describe Clinton
*: Ambiguous.

% %Vice – President
%Vice – President: No such job.

% ls Meese – Ethics
Meese – Ethics not found

% “How would you rate Clinton’s senility?
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]. |

% ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.

% who is my match?
No match.

% set i=”Democratic_Platform”;mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Democratic_Platform unreadable

% awk “Polly, the ship is sinking”
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line

% ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’
thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.

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