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Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft’s new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

* GPF key — This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

* $$ key — When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

* ZD key — This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

* MS key — This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled “Computing for Mindless Drones” in a 1″ x 1″ window.

* FUD key — Some thing to do with the display … self explanatory.

* Chicago key — Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

* IBM key — Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

* MSN Key — With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world’s second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 98!

* RW98 Key — Stands for Re-install Windows 98. Because it’s usually a weekly ritual for most Win 98 users, why not make it easier?

* FDISK Key — Microsoft’s new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

Software giant A’Gents has teemed up with the premium chip manufacturer Intel to create a new company devoted to fighting computer viruses and other software problems.
The new self-named company’s software, called “Intel A’Gents”, claims that once a computer operator has it, no virus will be able to infect a computer. “Someone with Intel A’Gents would automatically have the most up to date anti-virus software and would be making regular backups of their data.”
More importantly, virus hoaxes and rumors of viruses will be a thing of the past. “The recent subflnk.exe virus hoax and the more famous AOL.EXE virus,” said Intel A’Gents spokesman Albert Hawkings, “wouldn’t have caused the least bit of concern. People would have brushed off the subflnk virus and had a good chuckle at the AOL.EXE virus if they’d only had Intel A’Gents.”
Analysts say if Intel A’Gents catches on (and that’s a big if) then the entire Internet (as well as all of computing) will be changed forever. Hawkings says, “Imagine, if you will, no more chain letters. No more ‘get rich quick’ schemes. No more SPAM because people who have Intel A’Gents would never buy something from a SPAMmer.”
Hawkings was optimistic about the future of chat rooms, online forums, and message boards. “Just think of the literate postings you could see. The well thought out missives of people who have Intel A’Gents. Even on the personal boards, there’d be no more ‘A/S/L’ or ‘i need sum sex cuz im hornny’ postings because people with Intel A’Gents would concentrate on intimacy – which is far sexier, of course. I’d go so far as to say a person who has Intel A’Gents would be considered *very* sexy.”
Software itself will change, Hawkings says. “Anyone who has Intel A’Gents won’t automatically buy the latest and greatest upgrade just because it’s ‘new.’ Intel A’Gents will advise a purchase only on the grounds it improves productivity. This will cause software manufacturers to make *real* improvements in their software and not just cosmetic changes solely in order to get a few bucks on an upgrade charge.”
Hawkings admits their greatest challenge will be AOL and WebTV. “AOL has flat told us if someone has Intel A’Gents then they won’t use AOL at all. As far as WebTV goes, it’s not even a real computer. So, anyone using WebTV can’t possibly have Intel A’Gents.”

To The Tune of “Let It Be”

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
“Write in C.”

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.

To my darling Husband,

I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I’m not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone.

Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary
(Your Wife)

1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

2. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

3. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

5. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

6. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”.

7. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

8. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.

9. For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President”.

10. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa now, Professor -Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

© 2015