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A Computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A Window was something you hated to clean
And a Ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.

An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.

Log On was adding wood to the fire
Hard Drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider’s home
And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody’s been killed in a Computer Crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

* The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft’s example and actually ship them the following May.

* Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users’ group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.

* In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country’s intellectual property.

* When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.

* When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year’s form.

* Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the prior year is no longer supported.

* The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft’s, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.

* After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.

* The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.

* Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.

* The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

I don’t wanna do the dishes,
I don’t wanna do the wash;
I sprinkled clothes a week ago,
And now my iron is lost!!

I don’t wanna rattle pots,
I don’t wanna rattle pans,
I see the mail light flashin,
I wanna chat with friends!!

Oh the tables need some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped;
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place I can stop!

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elfs

They could sprinkle fairy dust,
and twitch their little nose.
The windows would be sparkling;
I would have no dirty clothes.

Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’,
My head is in the sky;
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie.

The Hubby needs a bath;
Doggy needs attention.
Wait! The other way around I mean -
my brain is in suspension.

I am runnin round in circles,
I am gettin nothin done,
I keep thinking of my web chat,
I am missing all the fun!

Well I know I’m not addicted,
Though I hear that all the time,
But I guess this stuff can wait on me -
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!

A Programmer and an Electrical Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.” Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This gets the Engineer’s complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The Engineer doesn’t say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it’s the Engineer’s turn.

He asks the Programmer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, “Well, so what is the answer?”

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep.”

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.

You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway.

Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let’s you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.

Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

© 2015