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I was sitting in a chat room,
Feeling mildly amused,
When I saw something strange,
That left me all confused.

Someone typed a word,
(As far as I could tell)
But I had never seen it.
What is an LOL?

Then the plot got thicker,
More words I didn’t know,
A person started typing,
The word LMAO.

I sat there in amazement,
I felt like a dumb toad.
Could it be, these people,
Were speaking in a code?

That’s when I looked closer.
And found the subtle clue.
I figured out this code
And I’ll share it now, with you.

LOL is three little words,
That seem, to me, quite shady.
LOL is a command,
The words, “Lean Over Lady?”

LMAO, was more obscure,
It made me sweat my socks!
LMAO is a command,
Meaning, “Leave Me Alone, Ox!”

ROFL was harder still,
I found it rather sickening.
It’s a discreet way to say,
“Ready Only For Licking!”

I can’t believe that AOL,
Would let this code exist!
To them I say, YOMSL
Meaning, “You’re On My Shit List!”

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft’s new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

* GPF key — This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

* $$ key — When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

* ZD key — This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

* MS key — This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled “Computing for Mindless Drones” in a 1″ x 1″ window.

* FUD key — Some thing to do with the display … self explanatory.

* Chicago key — Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

* IBM key — Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

* MSN Key — With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world’s second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 98!

* RW98 Key — Stands for Re-install Windows 98. Because it’s usually a weekly ritual for most Win 98 users, why not make it easier?

* FDISK Key — Microsoft’s new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

They replicate quickly. (Okay, Windows does that)

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. (Okay, Windows does that)

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. (Okay, Windows does that, too)

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. (Sigh… Windows does that, too)

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. (Yup, that’s with Windows, too)

Until now it seems, Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus!

This form must be filled out in triplicate and e-mailed to all the regs not less than thirty days prior to your intended departure date. Applications will be reviewed the second Tuesday of each week from 1:10-1:15 am. If you are approved for departure (which ain’t gonna happen so give it up), you will be notified by e-mail on the second Wednesday of next week.

Part A

* Question 1: In no less than 5,000 words explain your reason for desiring to be released from AOL.

* Question 2: What the hell do you think you are gonna do with all the spare time you are gonna have?

* Question 3: Do you honestly believe your family likes you enough to talk to you?????

Part B

Personal Information:
Full Given Name:________________________________
Daytime phone__________________________________
Work phone____________________________________
Parents phone__________________________________
Neighbors phone________________________________
Strangers phone_________________________________

Age____________ SSN#_____________________
Weight_______________ Height___________________
Bra size___________________ Jock size_____________
Mothers Maiden Name_____________________________
Grandmothers Country of Origin_____________________

List Ten Names, Addresses & Phone Numbers of places that you can be reached in case of a damn “we miss you” emergency: (please list the above info in alphabetical order…indicating where you are most likely to be at what time of day)

Fill out this form and email to all known regs for review and opinion

This part to be completed by regs, and returned to the silly person requesting to leave us. (make sure you file all the personal info that was given above in case they try to leave us anyway!! HeHeHeHe)

Application Approved: NO_______
Application Denied: YES______

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS XP/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin’ da commands.
Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin’ screen. It reads:
“WINDAS XP,” wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual “harpy, stringy” music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled “Staten Island.”
My Computer is called “My Friggin’ Computa.”
The Inbox is referred to as “Da Trunk.”
Deleted Items are referred to as “Wacked,” “Erased,” or “Rubbed Out.”
Dial up Networking is called “Da Bar.”
Control Panel is known as the “Da Bosses.”
Performin’ an “illegal operation” is known as “enhancin’ the family business” and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin’ it down.
Hard Drive is referred to as “Da BQE Rush Hour.” (For you rednecks the BQE is the Brooklyn- Queens Expressway, New York City’s idea of a highway. With all the potholes it’s more like a minefield.)
Instead of an error message a “You ain’t gonna friggin’ believe dis!” pops up.

Changes in terminology in da Brooklyn edition:

OK – Sure ting
Cancel – Fugetaboutit
Reset – Start Ova
Yes – Yeah
No – Nah
Find – Put a contract out on
Browse – Get a looksee
Back – U toin
Help – (Ain’t available- yous don’t need no stinkin’ help)
Stop – Knock it off
Start – Move it!
Settings – Here’s d’ Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don’t recognize da letter “R.”

Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS XP:
Typa – A word processin’ program
Printa – Printer
Calculata – Calculator
Solitare – Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da BOOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?

BILL (“4 eyes”) GATES

© 2015