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Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1024×1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket, and costs $300.

Q: Why don’t fish go near computers?
A: Because they are afraid to be caught in the internet!

Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:

This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don’t come whimpering back to me if it bounces.
The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I’m going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said… Oh well. You get the idea.
You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty – four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:

1. Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
2. Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
3. Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
4. Using any toilet or rest room.

Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber – glue policy. Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.

Thank you and have a nice day!

* “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from backing into our driveway?”
* One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
* Apparently, your flame war with is about to turn ugly.
* When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
* Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you’re strictly a goat porno kind of guy.
* You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
* Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
* You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and Chris White is on the cover of Business Week.
* Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” email from your Mom.
* Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
* “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”

A teacher asked one of her pupils, “Can you name our nation’s capital?”

The reply was, “Washington D.C.”

When asked what the “DC” stood for, the pupil added, “Dot com!”

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