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Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version – Windows XP

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(“It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(“It will be ready in”, today+30_days,” we’re just testing”);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(“Yes it will work”);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(“It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to”
” the 32 bits architecture”);
inform(INTEL, “Pentium sales will rise skyhigh”);
inform(SAMSUNG, “Start a new memorychip plant”
“‘cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs”);
inform(QUANTUM, “Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple”);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(“Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone”);
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windowsXP_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, “write a nice objective article”);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(“It will be ready in”,today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(“that is a hardware problem, not a software problem”);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, “Keep an eye on this
bastard”);
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(“It is not a bugfix but a new version”);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer); register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We’ll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

* Rule: all customers must wear pants while online.

* All email automatically cc’d to your ex-wife.

* Free ant farm (stocked!) with sign-up.

* Extra charge incurred for denying offers for AOL credit card.

* Instant Messages now read out loud to you in your choice of voice: Gilbert Gottfried or Phyllis Diller.

* New feature: all junk email automatically sent to your printer!

* Special rates for bulk mailers!

* Genetic gender verification now required in chat rooms.

* Steve Case will visit your house and personally apologize for busy signals.

* Special bonus! Free dentistry with the premium access plan.

Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!

These are little “tricks” with words and phrases that you can play with MS Word or MS Works. One word of caution though, don’t try these when you’re in the process of drinking something.

Trick One (from Norb Link)

1. Open a new document
2. Type the phrase “unable to follow directions”
3. Highlight the whole phrase
4. Go into “Tools” and click on Thesaurus
5. Laugh

Trick Two (from Shawn Rung)

1. Open a new document
2. Type “zzzz”
3. Highlight what you typed previously
4. Check the spelling in the dictionary
5. Laugh

Trick Three (from Rene Schweitzer)

1. Open a new document
2. Type the phrase “I’d like to see Bill Gates dead”
3. Select the entire phrase
4. Go to Tools and click on Thesaurus
5. Laugh

You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us.”

Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “We’re Sorry, This Store is Temporarily Unavailable”.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.



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