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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy replies, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?”

The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says, “No, no, I’m okay. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Like every other techie, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the just released, state-of-the-art, 64-bit, 128 mega-RAM, 48x, 24/7, in your face, out of your control Microself Windows 2001. Yes, that was me at the front of the line in our local Get-a-Life Software store, waiting, waiting, for the moment when the future went on sale. And now that the future is installed in my computer, there’s no looking back.

To be truthful, I don’t use computers. They use me. They use me as a portal between the glittering new world of information and the mundane world where ordinary people have to eat and talk and sometimes be sad. Computers use my nimble fingers to unlock their codes, releasing raw information into the ether. Taking my mission as seriously as I do, I wanted the most up-to-the-second tool on the market. And that’s why, the day after I installed Windows 2001, I was back at Get-a-Life buying the upgrade, Windows 2001, version 2.0.

With Windows 2001 2.0, I don’t process information. I download it into my body. Using Windows’ revolutionary US-ME serial port installed in my navel, I plug myself into my computer. Like the umbilical cord that fed me when I was mere flesh, the US-ME cable feeds raw data straight into my bloodstream. There it flows until it reaches the central processing unit I used to call my brain. And there, Windows’ revolutionary Brain Bot – a tiny microchip embedded in my cerebrum — turns that raw data into wisdom that makes me smarter, richer, and so much wiser than the rest of you.

Did you know that the capital of Uganda is Kampala? That Soupy Sales had a lion puppet named Pookie? That the square root of 3 is 1.732? And that today’s kids will spend 23 years of their lives on the Internet swimming through vital data like this? O, it’s a changing world, my friend. When you leave your Silicon Valley job for two weeks of R & R, take a cruise to Antarctica, step onto an ice floe and see penguins crowded around a laptop checking out The Weather Channel, get worried!

But I’m not worried, I’m wired. Wired to the upgraded upgrade I bought last weekend. Windows 2001 3.0 is the one with HandPrint, the printer driver that drives my digital age. Using HandPrint, I don’t need an ordinary printer. I just click a button on my wrist and my hand begins scrolling across a blank page printing my raw data in any of 1,257 perfect fonts. The moving hand writes, and having writ, gives way to ear-mail.

I know, I know. You all have e-mail accounts. You can e-mail Bill Gates if you want. The Pope. Your dog if you’re on vacation in Antarctica. But only Windows 2001 4.0, which I bought yesterday, has ear-mail.

When I hear a voice from the ether saying “You’ve got mail!” I run to the nearest phone. Then I run my ear-mail cord from the phone to an input implanted below my left ear. Within seconds, I’m hearing the mail read by a soothing voice that sounds a little like James Earl Jones on Prozac. To reply, I simply speak my answer, press the same button on my wrist, and presto. I unplug and go back to my daily duty of becoming richer, smarter, and wiser. There’s also a wireless version of e-mail but that won’t come out until version 5.0 is released tomorrow. I plan to get in line at Get-a-Life sometime before midnight.

But where, you ask, is this wireless world headed? To be truthful, I’m not sure, but it sure is fun. Perhaps when I’m even richer, smarter, and wiser than I am now, thanks to Windows 2001 6.0 due out this weekend, I’ll have an answer. Until then, you’ll have to excuse me. I have mail.

ALPHA – Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

BETA – Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in “Our daughter’s computer cost quite a bit.”

BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS – The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at your computer and not enough time studying.

CPU – Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it’s a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it’s a Pentium II.

CURSOR – What you turn into when you can’t get your computer to perform, as in “You %@& computer!”

DEFAULT DIRECTORY – Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom “just to look.”

ERROR MESSAGE – Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

1. What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day’s work in 30 minutes.
2. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

FLOPPY – The condition of a constant computer user’s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see “CHIPS”).

HARD DRIVE – What you want to do to your tower after it freezes or locks up for the 3rd time in a row … give it a good HARD DRIVE!

1. Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven’t laid a finger on since getting your computer.
2. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

HELP – What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

IBM – The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you’ll pay attention to them again.

INPUT/OUTPUT – Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

INTERIM RELEASE – A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.

MEMORY – Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

MENU – What you’ll never see again after buying a computer because you’ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR – Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PRINTER – A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS – Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

PROGRAMS – Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN – What lots of people do to their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL – A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW – What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

WINDOWS 95 – 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

And …

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before going off.

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

* Time Magazine’s next “Man Of The Year” issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.

* The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, “You cwazy wabbit, you’ve been onwine for 5 minutes and that’s way-y-y too long… we’re going to boot you off!”

* When you try to access a web site that AOL blocks because they know that you are too stupid to think for yourself, Tweety Bird will say, “I tawt I taw a Puddy… I did, I did see a Puddy… ACCESS IS DENIED!”

* The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, “Eh, what’s up Doc?” he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.

* Now that AOL owns everything, there is no one left for them to sell your private and personal information to. Therefore, they will now use that information to obtain a mandatory AOL Visa card in your name and make purchases on your behalf and bill you whatever they want whether you like it or not.

* Now, when you turn off your TV set, AOL will automatically download television programs without your permission and delete the channels of competitors that they don’t want you to watch. Of course the next logical step will be popup ads on the screen while you’re trying to watch your favorite show, and the inevitable outcome will be… “You’ve been watching TV for too long, your connection has been terminated”… CLICK!

And this my friends… is just the beginning!

© 2015