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In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by ‘Year-M’ to be followed by actual 1998. “Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule,” Gates said. “But we couldn’t change the name, again… people were starting to get confused.”

“Instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998.”

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. “The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to Bill Gates.”

A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of ‘Year-M.’ Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into ‘deity conglomerates.’ “Gosh,” said Gates. “They broke up AT&T… why can’t we break up God?”

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: HE doesn’t mind rainy climates, doesn’t need any money, isn’t married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping. “If we could just get some employees like that,” Gates lamented, “we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time.”

It is reported that an IBM Service rep received the following call:
“I tried to install your product and it failed miserably. I inserted disk #1 and it worked fine. It then asked me to insert disk #2 into the drive, it took some doing but it worked. The program then asked for disk #3. Now I don’t know what you people are thinking, but if you are going to use more then two diskettes in an installation, please send along a drive expander so that we can insert more than two disks into the drive at the same time.”

PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN – It Still Does Nothing

APPLE – Arrogance Produces Profit – Losing Entity

SCSI – System Can’t See It

DOS – Defunct Operating System

BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM – I Blame Microsoft

DEC – Do Expect Cuts

CD – ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW – World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH – Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

NT – Not Today

(to the tune of “Home on the Range”)

Oh give me a site,
Where the links all work right,
One that doesn’t take too long to load.
Where the text can be seen,
On my 13 – inch screen,
One that offers a “no – Java” mode.

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4 – speed modem!

Though your video files
Give your pages some style
I can’t read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
Crash my system, I’ve found,
So please put in some “alt” tags for me!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4 – speed modem!

Please don’t ask me to “chat”
With your favorite cat;
I don’t have an IRC code.
And don’t ask me to buy
Games for Win 95.
My PC is way too darn old!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4 – speed modem!

* Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.

* It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.

* In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.

* It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.

* The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.

* Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

* The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”

* The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”

* The only chip inside is a Dorito.

* You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

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