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1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

2. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

3. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

5. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

6. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”.

7. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

8. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.

9. For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President”.

10. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa now, Professor -Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

What do you call a computer scientist?
It doesn’t matter what you call him. He’s too involved with the computer to come anyway.

The longest I’ve been online is 24 hours and part of that time was spent face down on the keyboard, trying to keep a closer eye on what my fingers were doing. That’s not an easy job with your eyes closed! Some things coming up on the screen were really strange! But, I’m not addicted…
I enjoy searching the web. I have stayed up all night more than once following link, after link, after link… . I just want to know how far one will go before it breaks and there’s no where to go but home – It’s not an addiction – it’s a quest for knowledge!
So what if the house work isn’t done – - it’s not condemnable – - Yet. A clean house is not a priority – - at least not until there’s a camera hook up so other cyber folks can see this pig sty.
Exercise? Who needs it? My arm and wrist are almost nonexistent now from exercising my mouse.
Family doesn’t understand that this is my life support system – - Not an addiction!
I have a shelf at my desk with snacks so I don’t have to cook; I’ve installed outlets next to the PC for my coffee pot, and my Pepsi’s remain at my side in a cooler box… need that caffeine!
I replaced my desk chair with a recliner. I NEED one with a concealed potty chair. It would help if it also had a spot to keep all my PC Novice magazines.
The family’s reaction to having my head shaved to allow more time for the net was totally unacceptable. No matter what they say, I am NOT border – line nutsville!
And now they claim to be concerned about my eyesight!
Hey, wouldn’t you rather look at a monitor than a filthy house?!?!

It has been brought to my attention that there’s an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

Even though I’m running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it’s a mutating virus which isn’t set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2001.

As many viri are, this one is transmitted by email. I’m required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:

* Click your start button.
* Click on “Find”.
* Click on Files / Folders.
* Change the “look in” input box to “My Computer”.
* The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR “UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT” MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR END.

TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU **MUST** EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU’RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU’RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN *DENY* THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!

The US Justice Department, unable to sentence Bill Gates to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment would be more severe and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.

“You’ve arrived on a day when I’m in a good mood, so I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.” Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face, at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation thinking he outsmarted the devil, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door. As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best room in the house?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The vintage bottle of wine you see – It has a hole in it. That beautiful young lady – she doesn’t.”

“What about the PC?”

“Oh, If you look carefully, you’ll see that it crashed!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”



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