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* No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet.

* Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel.

* No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter – until iSmell becomes available, that is.

* The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria’s Secret store.

* Don’t have to worry about giving in to that Orange Julius temptation.

* Since you haven’t been able to get through your front door in years, Godiva.com is a Godsend.

* Within seconds of buying grandma a large-print bible, you’re back to downloading that sweet, sweet porn.

* Can continue to test your theory you can live without leaving your specially designed “BioChair 2″.

* Can openly consult the voices in your head when buying that gift for Jodie Foster.

* Less contact with other humans means fewer on your list to be gunned down at a later date.

* You can finally get that kidney Uncle Bob always wanted.

* In a store, you can’t pleasure yourself watching Tommy Lee put it to Pam while your purchase is being wrapped.

* No insensitive idiots razzing you about that place you tuck your wallet when you shop naked.

* When your name is Dick Buttlipz, it’s better to not have to hand your Visa to a 16 year old sales clerk.

At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

• The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.

• Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

• Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.

• You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

“Honor System Virus”

This virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.

In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too.

The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post.

He called them and talked to them about the problem. They said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous predicament.

However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.

The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement. It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00. Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for their anniversary, bought her a typewriter instead.



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