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As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work!?”

For those of you not on AOL – AOL has recently started putting up a message when you’ve been online for 46 minutes making sure you are really there and active.

You have been online for 46 minutes.
Do you want to stay online?
Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.

You have been online for 135 minutes.
Not to put any pressure on you,
but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on.
Let’s show some sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say?

You DO realize that you’ve been online for 184 minutes, right?
When was the last time you went outside?

OK. This is getting ridiculous.
Frankly, you’re starting to piss us off!
If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your Buddy List OK?
Yep, Finally

You have been online for 360 minutes now!!
We promised you unlimited time, we know,
but can’t you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?

You have been online for 467 minutes.
Do you remember your family members’ names ?

You have been online for 513 minutes.
Your husband has left you and your dog is starving.
Do you wish to remain online?

You have been online 724 minutes.
Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord….

You have been online 852 minutes,
do you KNOW how many HOURS that is???”

You have been online for 921 minutes.
Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour
about busy phone lines?
Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to
busy phone lines?
Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword:
CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.

You have been online for 967 minutes.
When AOL went unlimited they didn’t think you would take it literally.
Now get the H*ll off before we go broke!

You have been on 1,013 minutes.
This is Steve I need to sign on m’self and answer some mail.
Could you please sign off? Thanks!

You have been cybering for 1059 minutes.
Didn’t your mom ever tell you that’d make you go blind?
Please sign off now while you can still read this message.

You have been on 1105 minutes.
Are you and your family chatting in shifts?
Geez click ok already!!!

You have been on 1151 minutes.
Welcome to our team…
…see job application enclosed, (If you can’t beat em hire ‘em)
but don’t return by email.

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

* Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

* Close your eyes and press escape three times.

* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

* This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

* Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

* This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

* To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”

* BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

* COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

* CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

* Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

* WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

* User Error: Replace user.

* Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

* Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…

* If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?

* Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. “Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?”

* Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8′s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.



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