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July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold on to it in case they don’t ever send me anther one! I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.

July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.

July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don’t work. I can’t get online.

July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 – What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.

July 27 – The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he’s not so modest after all.

July 28 – I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 – I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 – These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 – I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN’T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDN’T KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ, IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN’T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. I’M NOT SHOUTING! I’M NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it? It’s probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 – I just made my signature file. It’s only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.

August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. Hopefully someone will help. I can’t ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they won’t let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.

* Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Verklemmt”.

* When you fill up your “C-drive”, you will get a “Hard Drive is Shtupped” message.

* Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Draydles”.

* Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

* CD-ROM’s would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB’s (digital video bagels).

* Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.

* “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already – You’re killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn’t hear that!”.

* When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s toukches”.

* Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my musical ready!”.

* During Passover, your PC would not be able to read “leavened floppies”.

* “Microsoft Word” would be renamed to “Microsoft Kibbitz”.

* Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that”.

* When running “scandisk”, you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.

* When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud “Oy!!!”.

* A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmootz” on your monitor.

* After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Shloofie”

* Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

* Solitaire would be replaced with on-line “Bingo”or “Mah-Jong.”

* Internet Explorer would now have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.

* After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

* You would hear the tune “Hava Nagila” during startup.

* “Year 2000″ issues are replaced by “Year 5760-5761″ issues.

* Bill Gates’ official theme song would be “If I Were a Rich Man”.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker’s a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it’s a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn’t quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

“Now Compaq! Now Acer!” my speaker did reel;
“On Apple! On Gateway!” Santa started to squeal!
“Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!”

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my “Ram”
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin’ to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain’t the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a “Dimm”
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai’s Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
“Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!

These are geek wannabees. Now that geeks are in, everybody wants to be a geek. To tell the geeks from the pseudo-geeks, I’ve developed this test:

1. When you open your phone bill, what do you do with it?
1. pay the bill
2. stick the bill in the mess on your desk
3. sit down and read the insert

2. You have three choices of reading material. Which do you read?
1. the sports section of the paper
2. Wired Magzine
3. the dictionary

3. Your prized possession would be…
1. one of Babe Ruth’s baseballs,
2. an autographed picture of Bill Gates
3. a map of the telephone company service areas for your state

4. A major goal in your life is to…
1. get as rich as Bill Gates
2. develop a new game that will become wildly popular
3. track the response times of TIA versus PPP and SLIP

Answers: If you answered A to each question, you’re definitely not a geek. If you answered B to each question, you’re a wanna-be. If you answered C to each question, you’re pure Geek and I’d like to meet you.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy replies, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?”

The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says, “No, no, I’m okay. I’m just waiting for a fax.”



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