Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100181 jokes and pictures!


(To the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Another “ping,”
Are you listenin’?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin’.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged “urgent, please read!”,
And “answer with speed!”.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can’t do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,
You’re not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day’s not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can’t do your job if it goes down.

Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You’ll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

A is for awk which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff which reads all your mail.

C is for cc as hackers recall, while
D is for dd the command that does all.

E is for emacs which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck which rebuilds your trees.

G is for grep a clever detective, while
H is for halt which may seem defective.

I is for indent which rarely amuses, and
J is for join which nobody uses.

K is for kill which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex which is missing from DOS.

M is for more from which less was begot, and
N is for nice which it really is not.

O is for od which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd which reads in strings twice.

Q is for quota a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib for sorting ar table.

S is for spell which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true which does very little.

U is for uniq which is used after sort, and
V is for vi which is hard to abort.

W is for whoami which tells you your name, while
X is, well, x of dubious fame.

Y is for yes which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat which handles compression.

I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object-oriented.”

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turnoff.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,

Your Wife

Somebody who can invent a stove that connects to your computer. It must have flags that pop up and say things like:

* Add More Water To Your Pan – Your Pan Is Ready To Boil Over. Do you want this? Click on Yes or No

* Your Pork Chops Are Burning. Do you want this? Click on Yes or No

* Do You Intend To Turn The Burner On Or Just Let Water Sit On It? Click on Yes or No

* It Is Now Time To Add The (seasoning, mix, etc) To The (Whatever you’re cooking) – Do you want this? Click on Yes or No

* Please Stir The Pudding – Do you want this? Click on Yes or No

* Caution! Caution! Your Kitchen Curtains Are On Fire! Do You Want This? Please Click On Yes Or No, etc.

My computer and my stove don’t seem to interact for some reason. I think to myself, “Surely the Rice-A-Roni won’t burn until I finish just this one email” and guess what. By the time I finish emailing and get out to the stove, it’s already turned brown and is sticking to the non-stick skillet.

If you’re an inventor, please help me!



© 2015 ijokedb.com