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(to the tune of “Home on the Range”)

Oh give me a site,
Where the links all work right,
One that doesn’t take too long to load.
Where the text can be seen,
On my 13 – inch screen,
One that offers a “no – Java” mode.

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4 – speed modem!

Though your video files
Give your pages some style
I can’t read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
Crash my system, I’ve found,
So please put in some “alt” tags for me!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4 – speed modem!

Please don’t ask me to “chat”
With your favorite cat;
I don’t have an IRC code.
And don’t ask me to buy
Games for Win 95.
My PC is way too darn old!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4 – speed modem!

* Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.

* It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.

* In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.

* It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.

* The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.

* Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

* The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”

* The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”

* The only chip inside is a Dorito.

* You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version – Windows XP

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(“It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(“It will be ready in”, today+30_days,” we’re just testing”);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(“Yes it will work”);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(“It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to”
” the 32 bits architecture”);
inform(INTEL, “Pentium sales will rise skyhigh”);
inform(SAMSUNG, “Start a new memorychip plant”
“‘cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs”);
inform(QUANTUM, “Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple”);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(“Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone”);
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windowsXP_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, “write a nice objective article”);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(“It will be ready in”,today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(“that is a hardware problem, not a software problem”);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, “Keep an eye on this
bastard”);
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(“It is not a bugfix but a new version”);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer); register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We’ll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

* Rule: all customers must wear pants while online.

* All email automatically cc’d to your ex-wife.

* Free ant farm (stocked!) with sign-up.

* Extra charge incurred for denying offers for AOL credit card.

* Instant Messages now read out loud to you in your choice of voice: Gilbert Gottfried or Phyllis Diller.

* New feature: all junk email automatically sent to your printer!

* Special rates for bulk mailers!

* Genetic gender verification now required in chat rooms.

* Steve Case will visit your house and personally apologize for busy signals.

* Special bonus! Free dentistry with the premium access plan.

Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!



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