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1.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

2.At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

3.Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

4.Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

5.Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

6.The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.

7.A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.

8.Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their inherent unreliability.

9.The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.

10.All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise which is impossible.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

A Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
And he replied, “It was an ID Ten T Error.”
A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy’s face. “An ID Ten T Error? What’s that… in case I need to fix it again?”
He gave her a grin… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?”
“No,” replied Judy.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
(She wrote… ) I D 1 0 T

Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hip” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (“You don’t know? RTFM”).

WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON’T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

When replying to your mail, correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your ‘creative criticism,’ do it again. Continue until they go away.

Software and files offered on-line are often “compressed” so that itwon’t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like “Thanks.”

Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like “SexyHouseWives,” then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload’s popularity.

cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what’s happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

Join a discussion group, and tie whatever’s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you’re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.



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