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The government is closing in on Bill Gates in the Microsoft antitrust trial. If Gates has to do time, I’ve got a feeling that he may get a taste of his own medicine when Big Louie in Cellblock 3 tries to forcibly install his “Inmate Explorer.”

What’s the first question that the computer community asks?
“Is it PC compatible?”

Dear __________:

We regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus.

It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple “screw you” or “muuuuaaaahhhhh”.

It appears to be predominant in WebTV and AOL users but has been detected in the *real* internet users’ community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated.

You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years.

DO NOT IGNORE THESE WARNING SIGNS!

1. KEYBOARD COURAGE: The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.

2. WOOHOO: The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).

3. HOLIDAY INN-hibition: The need to take someone to a private room.

4. P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAUMATIC POP UP DISORDER): Heavy reliance on popups.

5. HORIZONTAL RETINAL SCAN: Inability to read anything that doesn’t scroll up.

6. LOSS OF FINGERNAILS.

7. CYBER TURRETS SYNDROME: The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.

8. RED EYE: Elimination of any whites from the eye.

9. VIRTUAL SPEED: The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.

10. SLEEP APATHY: Going without sleep to chat.

11. CYBER ANOREXIA: Going without food to chat.

12.SYMBOLIC DYSLEXIA: The use of initials instead of words i.e.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.

13. NIC IDENTITY CRISIS: The adoption of a nic as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.

Thanks for your time,

Dr. Pete O. Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

Desperately seeking technical support!

I’m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can’t find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn’t completely uninstalled!

I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can’t understand, much less reprogram. And I’ve never liked how Girlfriend is totally ‘object-oriented.’

A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiance9e 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a ‘huge resource hog.’ It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic popup feature he can’t turn off.

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway, due to insufficient resources. If anybody out there is able to offer technical advice…

Two computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, “Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?”
“Well,” replied the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, “You can have ANYTHING you want!”
“Good choice,” said the first. “Her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”



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