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1. Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.
2. It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.
3. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
4. It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
5. The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”
8. The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

1. In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

11. And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless – since Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him – What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered – I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

* It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.

* If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

* If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, “why on earth did I do that?”

* Some folks have it, some don’t.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

* Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.

* Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

* Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

* Close your eyes and press escape three times.

* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

* This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

* Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

* This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

* To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”

* BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

* COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

* CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

* Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

* WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

* User Error: Replace user.

* Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

* Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…

* If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?

* Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. “Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?”

* Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

The marketing people at Microsoft and their ad agency have really done it this time! The choral background music for the recent Internet Explorer TV ads is the “Confutatis Maledictis” from Mozart’s “Requiem”. The words of the final blast of music that accompanies “Where do you want to go today?” are “confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis…” which translates to: “the damned and accused are convicted to flames of hell.” Shall we make further comment? Naaaa…



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