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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human
brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that
present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially
true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered
for sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of required
warnings appears below.

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the ‘Uncertainty Principle,’ It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as ‘Tunneling,’ This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will
Result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a ‘Gluing’ Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions Are ‘Rolled Up’ into Such a Small ‘Area’ That They
Cannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or
Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.

EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.

Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
“The Very Small and Quiet Screams”
— a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

“A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don’t.”

+————————————+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+————————————+
—————————————————————————–
SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
—————————————————————————–
Defend all life: ‘from greatest to least, from human to yeast!”

This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.

4th RunnerUp – The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases
when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

3rd RunnerUp – Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means
the Chinese cannot use “acronyms”; thus, they cannot communicate
their ideas at a faster rate.

2nd RunnerU p- The ‘Why Yawning Is Contagious’ Theory: You yawn
to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change
outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.

1st RunnerUp- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an
infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of
shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English
language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks”
his “cah”, the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh”
his car and invest in “erl wells.”

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A “buttered-cat array” could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and “giant buttered-cat arrays”
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.



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