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A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman’s company and related the tragedy to the sales manager.
The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, “Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders.”

10. “Safer than a Russian sub.”

9. “The perfect gift for your mother-in-law.”

8. “Because there’s a lot riding on your lawsuit.”

7. “Better than driving around on your axles, right?”

6. “Pop a set on your car today.”

5. “C’mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?”

4. “Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph speed limit.”

3. “Hey, it’s not like we crashed our blimp or something.”

2. “Best Blow Job In Town!”

1. “You can’t recall a better tire.”

The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer’s cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It’s different from our competitiors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn’t work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can’t explain.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.

- A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

- Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”

- You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

- Numerous parental complaints about your “Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy” display.

- You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

- Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they’re the new “Jerry Springer” edition.

- The “My Little Taxidermy Kit” (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

- Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.

- Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.

- Source of reefer smoke finally traced to “nostrils” of Geoffrey the Giraffe.

- Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

- Caught hocking phlegm into tykes’ hands and telling them it was “homemade Gack.”

- Your sales display, “Barbie’s Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu” was not exactly an overwhelming success.

- Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.

- Regardless of the question, you answer, “Bite me, kid — I’m on break.”

A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts…

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man coming up through the crowd.

“Is yours raisin too?” the clerk yells testily.

“No,” croaks the old man feebly, “But it’s startin’ to twitch!”

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