An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (..turn from your sin…)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an AX and two 38s!”

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I’d like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said, ” ‘What is a ‘caress’? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “‘Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said, “‘You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?”‘ So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies “No, not until you cut your hair!”.

The boy replies “But father…Jesus had long hair!”

To which his father says, “Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere.”

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- You think John the Baptist started the SBC.

- You think God’s presence is strongest on the back three pews.

- You think “Amazing Grace” is the national anthem.

- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.

- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

- You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.

- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

- You think worship music has to be loud.

- You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.

- You judge the quality of a service by its length.

- You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.

- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.

- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

- You think someone who says “Amen” while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.

- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.

- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.

- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.

- You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered “666.”

- You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church.

- You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for.