This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote Scripture. So she holds up a hand and says: “ACTS 2:38!!!”
The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: “How did you do this?”
The woman replied, “I quoted Scripture.”
The cop turned to the burglar: “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”
The burglar replied: “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38′s.”

Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

Q: What’s the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his
first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there, they had me park my
old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down
beside her.”

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is both male and female.”
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
“Well, God is both black and white.”
This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, “Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”