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Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around the Jordan–the banks were always overflowing.

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and an atheist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever. If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion?

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says, “ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you.” So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.

The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, “I had sex with a guy.”

The priest said, “ok,” blessed her and said, “go drink some holy water.” So she did!

The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, “I got in a fight with another nun.”

The priest said, “ok,” blessed her and said, “go drink some holy water.” So she did!

The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.
And as she was laughing she said, “I pissed in the holy water!”

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth
was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

And God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, “There goes the neighborhood.”

And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the
air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth.” And so God created Man in his own
image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and
Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, “I know how I can get back in this game.”

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent
double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?”

And Man said, “Supersize them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, “I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought
forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO’s.



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