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You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”

You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”

You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Honey.”

You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…

You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.

You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You’ve ever said, “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”

You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitch” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”

You’ve ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.

You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”

You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”

You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”

You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.

Photos showing Monica Lewinsky’s progress in her highly publicized diet deal with Jenny Craig shows that their newest spokeswoman is making headway in her battle to lose 100 lbs. In fact, she’s lost 30 lbs. already.

I can’t wait to hear her new commercial touting her success: “Hi, I’m Monica Lewinsky. Ever since I started on the Jenny Craig Diet, I think twice about everything I put in my mouth…”

They finally found proper grounds for impeaching President Clinton. They found out the cigar was a Cuban.

Back before any of us even knew who the Clinton’s were, they left a party and got into their car. Hillary slid over close and began to stroke Bill’s thigh. After he was aroused, she bent down and performed quite an extraordinary blowjob on him.

Bill, confused, but both pleased and satisfied drove home contentedly.

As they pulled into their driveway, Hillary stroked Bill’s thigh again, and got no response at all. “There!” she said. “NOW you may drive the blonde babysitter home.”

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn’t care what it takes, but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. “Ok,” says Clinton, “give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”

The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.” Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.” This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hillary’s hand writing.”

© 2015