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Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter’s finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

What is Clinton’s favorite toy?
An Erector Set.

The president of a certain country went to the interior of that country where there was no electricity, poor roads, and no form of telecommunication, to give his campaign speech. The people spoke a different dialect to the native one.

“We, the ruling party,” said the president, “promise to provide electricity for the entire district.”

Upon hearing the president’s words, the people cheered, “Fombre!”

The president continued, “Not only will we provide electricity to the community, but we will also be installing telephones and telephone lines, and this will commence shortly.”

Again, shrieks of “Fombre” was heard, as the president anxiously awaited the resumption of his speech.

“We have given careful thought to the repair of the roadways so as to facilitate better means of transportation and have allotted sufficient finances for the successful execution of this venture.”

Shouts of “Fombre!” filled the air, as the president continued to lay it down with his words.

After the speech, the president, with a content grin on his face, walked through the grassy terrain with his bodyguards, his interpreter, and a few of the officials.

One of the officials, seeing a pile of horse’s dung in front of the president, cried out, “Mr. President, don’t step on that! That’s Fombre!”

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, “George, you were always wise, what should I do?” Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, “ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER.”

Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he’ll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. “Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “WELFARE, IT’S NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER.”

After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?” After a substantial pause Abe responds, “TAKE THE DAY OFF, GO TO THE THEATER.”

January 20: Take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of President of the United States. Nudge Rehnquist, ask what he’s wearing under that dress.

January 23: Award Presidential Medal of Freedom to Ralph Nader.

January 24: Help Alec Baldwin pack.

January 30: Memo to Jeb: in your face, Poindexter!

January 31: Get people working on stuff.

February 3: Bring Democrats and Republicans together.

February 4: Bring peanut butter and chocolate together.

February 5: Unite North, South Dakota; North, South Carolina; New, Old Mexico.

February 7: Get loaded, fail to name designated driver, don’t tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.

February 9: Change pitch and tone of Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.

February 12: Replace Affirmative Action with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool. Replace Department of Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.

February 18: Offer Jeb important cabinet position, possibly Secretary of My Asshole.

February 20: Invite NRA executives into Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.

March 1-March 31: Halftime!

April 1: Plant flowers in Rose Garden: daisies?

April 7: Give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay bids.

April 9: Open up Yellowstone National Park, the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua, NY for oil exploration.

April 12: State dinner for Emperor Akihito of Japan. Do “Samurai Dry Cleaner” sketch.

April 15: Replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.

April 18: Try Oval Office fellatio (once or twice; what’s the harm?).



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