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We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free
liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko
bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No
Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other
form of wealth.

More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave
the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world
is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver
in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from
the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,
rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of
us get together and kill you.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,
or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised
if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still
won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in
foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments
and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend
so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military
uniform and a funny hat.

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,
and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you
have the right to pursue happiness – which, by the way, is a lot easier
if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.
Here’s the scoop on the three leading candidates.
Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults
with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He chain
smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps
until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of
brandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian,
doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had
any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice??

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

The Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported that Yugoslavian
air defenses had shot down a NATO F-16 just after nightfall
while the jet was on a bombing run. The plane crashed into
an empty field, creating a huge crater. Serbian search and
rescue workers have recovered 307 bodies so far, proving
that NATO is using Albanian men, women and children terrorists
to wage their war of terror from the sky.

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path
of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your
money”, he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “Hey, watch it – I’m a United
States Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

Q: What is the difference between politicians and stoners?
A: Politicians don’t inhale…they just suck!



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