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Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, “I’ve got another dress for you to clean.”

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, “Come again?”

“No,” says Monica. “Mustard.”

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her

“Will I be acquitted?”

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box kid?” to which the little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”

Al Gore laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”

“Democrats,” the child says.

“Oh that’s cute,” Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

Al Gore says to Bill, “You gotta check this out,” and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Al Gore says, “Look in the box Bill, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.”

The boy replies, “They’re Republicans.”

“Whoa!” Al Gore says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What’s up?”

“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now.”

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

“Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!”

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, “Nelson.” The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?” She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that’s what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying “On The Road Again” when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

“Idiot!” she yelled and, from the radio, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq, here are the top proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States Vs Bill Clinton:

* If the dress ain’t a mess, he won’t need to confess!

* The economy’s great, let the white boy skate!

* If the bitch didn’t spit, you must aquit!

* If she is not spread eagle, then it’s not illegal!

* Lewinsky’s a whore, and Bill’s better than Gore!

* So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses!

* He cheats on his wife, but it’s his personal life!

* Bill won’t tell the truth until he sees Ken Starr’s proof!

* Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky’s just easy!

* If the sex is just oral, it’s not really immoral!

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