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The president was awakened late one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

“Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, “There’s good news and bad news.”

“Oh no,” muttered the president. “Well, let me have the bad news first.”

“The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from another planet. ”

“Geez and the good news?”

“The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and piss oil.”


The White House — President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its breakaway province of Northern Ireland. Along with liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without the threat of attack.

“Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world,” he said in a prepared statement.

A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:

Week one — Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.

Week two — Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah, let us not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.

Week three — Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.

Week four — Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.

Week five — Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.

Week six — Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.

Week seven — Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.

Week eight — Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were bullied.

Week nine — Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use deodorant and razors.

Week ten — Bombing of Washington, DC to free the Confederate of Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.

Week eleven — Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be recognized as a “real” state.

“This schedule will do until we can come up with others,” said Madeline Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether or not the US would bomb Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, “Something that practical would never be on a military agenda.”

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?

A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form…democracy.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two–One to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

© 2015