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Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in l846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in l946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in l860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in l960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in l908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by the their three names.

Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named “Kennedy”
Kennedy was shot in a car called “Lincoln”.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

The State of the Union Address… that president Clinton should have given

“Members of Congress…People of America….I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong.
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player
in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention.

The only babes in D.C. I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala,
mostly because they’re a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler
Earl Campbell would envy, which isn’t to say I don’t appreciate Hillary…I do. If not for the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I’d be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she’d be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago there’s not a man, woman, or child who didn’t know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.

Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called “Kennebunkport” who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him,
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer’s he came in with.

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time
like his lithium drip just kicked in.

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of ‘plausable deniability,’
and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.

Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn’t hang around long
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for “beaver wrestling” shared by at
least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a
fact the press didn’t seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from
a junior college who can spell ‘internet’ has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I’m running a country here and I’m doing it with my pecker showing.

What I’m asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter…unless, of course, she’s
a hotty with thin ankles, and then I’d like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where
you are today and what kind of life you’re living before you get too interested in where I’m
parking the Presidential Limousine.

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?

A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn’t tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two–One to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

© 2015