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President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
“Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried; “My people’s favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

“Vladimir, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.”, replied the President.

“I do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?”

“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!”, said Bush.

“Oh, and one more small favour, please?”, said Putin.

“Yes?”, replied the President.

“Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” said Yeltsin.

“No problem,” replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. “I need a favour, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

“Easily done. Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said the President, “Print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”

Clinton is on the beach at Martha’s Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.

Genie: Hi Bill. I’m a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish–it had better be easy if you want me to do it.

Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.

Genie: That’s a little hard, give me something easier.

Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?

Genie: World peace it is.

Q: What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?
A: “Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?”

Why does Hillary Clinton wear high collared blouses?
So you won’t see her Adam’s apple move when Bill talks.

* You feel Fidelity means not cheating on your mistress.

* You think that pornography corrupts women, but find nothing wrong with a 50 year old president seducing a 21 year old intern.

* You cry every May 4th over the four people killed at Kent State, but have never been to the Vietnam Memorial.

* Along the same lines, “Four Dead in OHIO” by Neil Young gives you goosebumps, but “19″ by Paul Hardcastle means nothing to you.

* You say shows like “Leave It to Beaver” are out of touch with America today, while you flip to your soap opera.

* You know of the stockpile of biological weapons in Iraq, but think that the US is wrong for not signing the land mines treaty.

* You want to know why we don’t offer schooling in prisons (hey, isn’t that what public schools are for).

* You think those stupid ribbons actually accomplish something.

* You tout the NAACP, but criticize anyone referring to a black man as a “colored person.”

* You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn’t put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.

* You feel that banning smoking in public indoor places limits your constitutional rights.

* You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.

* You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.

* You outwardly said “I would have voted for Elizabeth Dole” knowing darn well you wouldn’t have because she is a Republican.

* You think it is ok for a President to commit perjury on his sex life, but criticize Dan Quayle for spelling potato/potatoe wrong.

* You stood on a soapbox demanding that Anita Hill be heard, but want Paula Jones’ accusations to be swept under the rug.

* You think the guy who drops out of High School and builds your jeep deserves more money than the doctor who went to college for 10 years and saves your kids life.

* You sang along to “Give Peace a Chance” during the Gulf War.

* You’ve filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.

* You went to Woodstock II and felt that it was a significant historical event, changing the way our country thinks.

* You own something that says, “Dukakis for President,” and still display it.

* You’ve tried to argue in favor of anything based on, “Well, they’re gonna do it anyway so…”

* You’ve ever said, “We really should call the ACLU about this.”

* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

* You ever based an argument on the phrase, “But they can afford a tax hike because…”

* You’ve ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

* You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, “America is undertaxed.”



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