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13) Just tryin’ to impress the chicks.

12) NATO strategists were loathe to open maps of the area because refolding them can be difficult and annoying.

11) “Kosovo?! We though you said KOKOMO!”

10) Bombardier still pissed off about his Yugo.

9) Chinese embassy “just too shiny to ignore.”

8) Pilot’s ugly little secret: never COULD hit those womprats back home in Beggar’s Canyon.

7) Totally hammered after losing a game of “quarters” to Boris Yeltsin.

6) Canadian navigator busy extolling virtues of Celine Dion.

5) Pilot playing Kosovo bingo needed B5, not G2.

4) Forgot to adjust for weight of Slim Pickens.

3) Male pilots refused to stop and ask for directions.

2) General Magoo has no comment.

1) NATO headquarters dinner order for “take out Chinese” was grossly misunderstood.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?” She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth’”?
Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you
say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!”
Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”

Amphibian American — frog
Aquatically-Challenged — drowning
Biologically-Challenged — dead
Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged — white trash
Certified Astrological Consultant — crackpot
Certified Crystal Therapist — crackpot
Certified Past-Life Regression Hypnotist — crackpot
Chronologically-Gifted — old
Co-Dependent — finger-pointer
Creatively Re-Dyed — blonde
Differently-Organized — messy
Differently-Brained — stupid
Energy-Efficient — off
Environmentally-Correct Human — dead
Facially-Challenged — ugly
Factually-Unencumbered — ignorant
Financially Inept — poor
Folically Independent — bald
Genetically Discriminating — racist
Grammatically-Challenged — one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension)
Gravitationally-Challenged — fat
Horizontally-Challenged — thin
Horizontally-Gifted — fat
In Denial — unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
In Recovery — drunk/junkie
In the Multidimensional — zoning
Intellectually-Impaired — stupid
Living-Impaired — dead
Maintenance Hole — man-hole
Mechanically-Challenged — broken down automobile
Metabolicly-Challenged — dead
Microslothicly-Challenged — Windows user
Monetarily-Challenged — poor
Morally -Challenged — a crook
Morally-Handicapped — someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone.
Motivationally-Challenged — lazy
Musically-Delayed — tone deaf
Nasally-Disadvantaged — really BIG nose
Nasally-Gifted — large nose
Nitpicklike — humor challenged
One Who is PC — target
One Who is Not PC — target
Ontologically-Challenged — fictional or mythological The absolute root of all evil known
Osmotically-Challenged — Thirsty
Other-Aged — too old/young (dual purpose)
Outdoor Urban Dwellers — homeless
People of Height — too tall
Person of Region — redneck
Persons Living With Entropy — dead
Persons of Large Stature — NY Giants
Petroleum Transfer Technician — gas station attendant
Residentially Flexible — homeless
Romantically-Challenged — not with somebody at the moment
Rustically-Inclined — redneck
Sanitation Engineer — garbage man
Sexually-Focused Chronologically-Gifted Individual — dirty old man
Socially-Challenged — geek or nerd
Spacially-Perplexed — drunk
Target Equity Group — vocal minority
Uniquely-Coordinated — clumsy
Uniquely-Fortuned Individual on an Alternative Career Path — loser
Vertically-Challenged — short
Visually-Challenged — blind

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy.”
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” Clinton says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
“What?” asks Clinton, “Isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.”
“Wonderful!” Clinton beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would not be a great loss!”

© 2015