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*Owners of Target franchises make plans to open stores back up again.

*Instead of saying, “We are under attack, please take shelter,” citizens are now told, “Here we go again, you know the drill.”

*Everyone wears sunglasses all the time.

*Sarcastic giggling heard just behind live CNN reporters.

*Yesterday’s lead headline in most Iraqi newspapers was “NBA Lockout Continues.”

*Instead of running for cover at the sound of the air raid sirens, the Iraqis do the “Tomahawk Chop.”

*Hussein’s latest address to the nation included the line, “We must resist the Great Satan, yadda yadda yadda…”

*Christiane Amanpour is being invited to rooftop bomb watching parties all over Baghdad.

*Baghdad High’s senior class has playfully painted a bull’s-eye on the roof of the school.

*Iraqi Television Network preempts Hussein’s speech to show “Baywatch.”

*Maps of Baghdad being divided into numbered grids and sold on street corners to play “Cruise Missile Bingo.”

*Baghdad weather girls point to the map and say, “Scattered B-52 bombings and cruise missile strikes tonight through the early morning, with light rocket attacks tomorrow, clearing off by noon.”

*”We could be killed by a bomb any second” no longer an effective pickup line in Iraqi bars.

*Every Iraqi citizen has been issued a catcher’s mitt.

*Students anxiously listen to the radio each morning to listen for school closings.

*Even the ever-hilarious, “Sorry, that was me–must’ve been those BEANS I ate!” jokes are wearing thin.

*Gag gift sales soar with the release of the new “Magnetic Hat.”

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle.

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter’s finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well.

“I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”

Clinton says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

© 2015