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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing the speed limit exactly — twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says quite proudly.
The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned sheepishly and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask…is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer says with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119.”

The Top 5 Things NOT to Say to a Police Officer

5. I can’t seem to reach my license, could you hold my beer?

4. Weren’t you from the village people?

3. You’re not going to check the trunk, are you?

2. Don’t you have to be in shape to be a police officer?

And the number 1 thing not to say if a police officer says, “You’re eyes look kind of red, have you been drinking?”

1. Well, your eyes look kind of glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” he monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”

He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver’s license, the driver argued, “Speeding? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me.”

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons. It said: I would be most happy to serve, but first you will have to make arrangements for my release from jail.

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