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The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

18. Aren’t you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You’re not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

11. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Q: How does the LAPD play poker?
A: Four clubs beat a king.

– When an argument starts, he calls for backup.

– Refers to the bedroom as “The Pokey.”

– Calls passing gas the “silent alarm.”

– Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie.

– Lots of references to the “old night stick.”

– Never hear him say, “Oh man, not donuts again!”

– Refers to his pecker as the “Breathalyzer”

– Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going.

– Handcuffs don’t turn him on anymore.

– Yes, that is a gun in his pocket!

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, “I’m Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia.”

As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”

A tourist asks a man in uniform, “Are you a policeman?”

“No, I am an undercover detective.”

“So why are you in uniform?”

“Today is my day off.”



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