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The following are actual stories told by travelers from Mendocino County, California to travel agents in the UK…

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response… click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

I got a call from a man who asked, “is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted
’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless,
and your system’s gonna crash!

If the above doesn’t help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet,
the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s
getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory
and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your mom!


The White House — President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its breakaway province of Northern Ireland. Along with liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without the threat of attack.

“Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world,” he said in a prepared statement.

A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:

Week one — Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.

Week two — Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah, let us not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.

Week three — Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.

Week four — Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.

Week five — Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.

Week six — Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.

Week seven — Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.

Week eight — Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were bullied.

Week nine — Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use deodorant and razors.

Week ten — Bombing of Washington, DC to free the Confederate of Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.

Week eleven — Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be recognized as a “real” state.

“This schedule will do until we can come up with others,” said Madeline Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether or not the US would bomb Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, “Something that practical would never be on a military agenda.”

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother
Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring
about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their
habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?”, calls one of the
nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each
other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.

“Nice tits,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”

The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like “two skeletons making love on a tin roof”.

© 2015