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Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?

Skid marks in front of the snake.

After a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was carrying two Arkansas-bred hawgs, one under each arm.
At the bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said, “Fine looking pigs, sir!”
Clinton turned and glared at the boy. “Son, don’t You know I’m from Arkansas? These ain’t pigs. They’re hawgs.”
The Marine shot back, “Marine begs the Commander-In-Chief’s pardon, sir! Fine looking hawgs, sir!”
Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed.
The President went on, “Thank you, son. You see this one here?” He lifted up the pig under his right arm. “I got this one for Chelsea.” Then he nodded to the hawg on his left. “And this one here, I got for Hillary.”
At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said, “Outstanding trade, sir!”

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital),
and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went
well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was
reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently
patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to
pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned
sternly.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a
humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters –
they are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Mr. Smith. “In that case, please send
the bill to my brother-in-law.”

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment … and they hired him! As what?

1. NAME: Greg Bulmash

2. DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

3. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

4. EDUCATION: Yes.

5. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

6. SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

7. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it Notes.

8. REASON FOR LEAVING: It stank.

9. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

10. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

11. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

12. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING (UP TO 50 LBS)?: Of what?

13. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, “Do you have a car that runs?”

14. HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

15. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

16. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

17. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.



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