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These are geek wannabees. Now that geeks are in, everybody wants to be a geek. To tell the geeks from the pseudo-geeks, I’ve developed this test:

1. When you open your phone bill, what do you do with it?
1. pay the bill
2. stick the bill in the mess on your desk
3. sit down and read the insert

2. You have three choices of reading material. Which do you read?
1. the sports section of the paper
2. Wired Magzine
3. the dictionary

3. Your prized possession would be…
1. one of Babe Ruth’s baseballs,
2. an autographed picture of Bill Gates
3. a map of the telephone company service areas for your state

4. A major goal in your life is to…
1. get as rich as Bill Gates
2. develop a new game that will become wildly popular
3. track the response times of TIA versus PPP and SLIP

Answers: If you answered A to each question, you’re definitely not a geek. If you answered B to each question, you’re a wanna-be. If you answered C to each question, you’re pure Geek and I’d like to meet you.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy replies, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?”

The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says, “No, no, I’m okay. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?

A: “Never! I’m not going to let my wife run the country!!”

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Like every other techie, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the just released, state-of-the-art, 64-bit, 128 mega-RAM, 48x, 24/7, in your face, out of your control Microself Windows 2001. Yes, that was me at the front of the line in our local Get-a-Life Software store, waiting, waiting, for the moment when the future went on sale. And now that the future is installed in my computer, there’s no looking back.

To be truthful, I don’t use computers. They use me. They use me as a portal between the glittering new world of information and the mundane world where ordinary people have to eat and talk and sometimes be sad. Computers use my nimble fingers to unlock their codes, releasing raw information into the ether. Taking my mission as seriously as I do, I wanted the most up-to-the-second tool on the market. And that’s why, the day after I installed Windows 2001, I was back at Get-a-Life buying the upgrade, Windows 2001, version 2.0.

With Windows 2001 2.0, I don’t process information. I download it into my body. Using Windows’ revolutionary US-ME serial port installed in my navel, I plug myself into my computer. Like the umbilical cord that fed me when I was mere flesh, the US-ME cable feeds raw data straight into my bloodstream. There it flows until it reaches the central processing unit I used to call my brain. And there, Windows’ revolutionary Brain Bot – a tiny microchip embedded in my cerebrum — turns that raw data into wisdom that makes me smarter, richer, and so much wiser than the rest of you.

Did you know that the capital of Uganda is Kampala? That Soupy Sales had a lion puppet named Pookie? That the square root of 3 is 1.732? And that today’s kids will spend 23 years of their lives on the Internet swimming through vital data like this? O, it’s a changing world, my friend. When you leave your Silicon Valley job for two weeks of R & R, take a cruise to Antarctica, step onto an ice floe and see penguins crowded around a laptop checking out The Weather Channel, get worried!

But I’m not worried, I’m wired. Wired to the upgraded upgrade I bought last weekend. Windows 2001 3.0 is the one with HandPrint, the printer driver that drives my digital age. Using HandPrint, I don’t need an ordinary printer. I just click a button on my wrist and my hand begins scrolling across a blank page printing my raw data in any of 1,257 perfect fonts. The moving hand writes, and having writ, gives way to ear-mail.

I know, I know. You all have e-mail accounts. You can e-mail Bill Gates if you want. The Pope. Your dog if you’re on vacation in Antarctica. But only Windows 2001 4.0, which I bought yesterday, has ear-mail.

When I hear a voice from the ether saying “You’ve got mail!” I run to the nearest phone. Then I run my ear-mail cord from the phone to an input implanted below my left ear. Within seconds, I’m hearing the mail read by a soothing voice that sounds a little like James Earl Jones on Prozac. To reply, I simply speak my answer, press the same button on my wrist, and presto. I unplug and go back to my daily duty of becoming richer, smarter, and wiser. There’s also a wireless version of e-mail but that won’t come out until version 5.0 is released tomorrow. I plan to get in line at Get-a-Life sometime before midnight.

But where, you ask, is this wireless world headed? To be truthful, I’m not sure, but it sure is fun. Perhaps when I’m even richer, smarter, and wiser than I am now, thanks to Windows 2001 6.0 due out this weekend, I’ll have an answer. Until then, you’ll have to excuse me. I have mail.

© 2015