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Q: What is my “skin age?”
A: Well, how old are you?
Q: I’m 38 years old.
A: Well, I’d say your skin is at least that old, wouldn’t you?

Q: Why did they invent keyboards?

A: So musicians would have someplace to put their beers.

* “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from backing into our driveway?”
* One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
* Apparently, your flame war with is about to turn ugly.
* When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
* Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you’re strictly a goat porno kind of guy.
* You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
* Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
* You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and Chris White is on the cover of Business Week.
* Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” email from your Mom.
* Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
* “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”

A guy walks into a DC curio shop. While browsing he comes across an exquisite brass rat. “What a great gag gift” he thinks to himself. After dickering with the shop keeper over the price, the man purchases the rat and leaves. As he’s walking down the street, he hears scurrying noises behind him. Stopping and looking around, he sees undreds, then thousands of rats pouring out of the alleys and stairwells into the street behind him. In a panic he runs down the street with the rats not far behind. The street ends at a pier; he runs to the end of the pier and heaves the brass rat into the Potomac. All of the rats scurry past him into the river where they drown. After breathing a sigh of relief and wiping his brow, the man heads back to the curio shop, finds the shop keeper and asks, “Do you have any brass Democrats?”

A lawyer addresses an all male jury: “Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?”

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