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What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes or until someone opens a door.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Harpists spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

Why do sax players prefer the alto sax to the soprano sax?
The soprano sax doesn’t have a place to put your beer?

Why can’t a gorilla play sousaphone?
Gorillas are too sensitive.

The conductor repeatedly asked the trumpet section to play with more dynamics.
The first trumpet player responded in frustration, “We’re playing as loud as we can!”

What is brown and black and looks good on a music critic?
A Doberman!

How do you get a music critic out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Musician: Did you hear my last concert?
Critic: I hope so.

What’s the difference between an extra-large pizza and a composer?
The extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.

What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?
A freight train needs a conductor!

Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
Because violins have no spit valve.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A fiddle has beer stains.

What’s the difference between the violin section and the viola section of an orchestra?
About half a measure.

Once there was a violist who was so out of tune that his section noticed!

Who makes the best Viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.

Why is the viola called “bratsche” in Germany?
Because that’s the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

What’s the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He’s not a conductor.

‘Doctor, doctor! How can I get this ugly mole off my face?’
‘Get your dog to chase it back into its hole.’

Q: What’s the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.



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