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A guy walks into a DC curio shop. While browsing he comes across an exquisite brass rat. “What a great gag gift” he thinks to himself. After dickering with the shop keeper over the price, the man purchases the rat and leaves. As he’s walking down the street, he hears scurrying noises behind him. Stopping and looking around, he sees hundreds, then thousands of rats pouring out of the alleys and stairwells into the street behind him. In a panic he runs down the street with the rats not far behind. The street ends at a pier; he runs to the end of the pier and heaves the brass rat into the Potomac. All of the rats scurry past him into the river where they drown. After breathing a sigh of relief and wiping his brow, the man heads back to the curio shop, finds the shop keeper and asks, “Do you have any brass economists?”

* Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Verklemmt”.

* When you fill up your “C-drive”, you will get a “Hard Drive is Shtupped” message.

* Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Draydles”.

* Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

* CD-ROM’s would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB’s (digital video bagels).

* Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.

* “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already – You’re killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn’t hear that!”.

* When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s toukches”.

* Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my musical ready!”.

* During Passover, your PC would not be able to read “leavened floppies”.

* “Microsoft Word” would be renamed to “Microsoft Kibbitz”.

* Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that”.

* When running “scandisk”, you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.

* When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud “Oy!!!”.

* A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmootz” on your monitor.

* After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Shloofie”

* Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

* Solitaire would be replaced with on-line “Bingo”or “Mah-Jong.”

* Internet Explorer would now have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.

* After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

* You would hear the tune “Hava Nagila” during startup.

* “Year 2000” issues are replaced by “Year 5760-5761” issues.

* Bill Gates’ official theme song would be “If I Were a Rich Man”.

With the upcoming 2000 elections there has been a lot of confusion over the players crucial to the next election. So I’ve found a way to simplify this topic very well.

This is all the Wizard of Oz. Dan Quayle is the scarecrow who needs a brain. Al Gore is the tinman. Colin Powell is the cowardly lion who never manages to run for office. Elizabeth Dole is Dorothy who doesn’t know where she is and not quite sure where she’s going.

And of course we have to mention Clinton because he’s a factor while all this is going on. Clinton is of course Toto, because throughout all this he’s trying to get up into Dorothy’s skirt.

The winner in this year’s $1 million prize in the Pillsbury Bake-Off is a Cream Cheese Brownie Pie created by Roberta Sonefeld from Hopkins, South Carolina. This pie is so rich; George W. Bush asked it for a campaign contribution.

Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?

A: To keep the music out of their eyes.

© 2015