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A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
“Hold it, hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county government,” one of the men said.
“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”
“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?

A: Coffee.

Bush legal team sues Santa Claus

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to “hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.”

“There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It’s totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,” said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the ‘nice’ list, filing them under ‘naughty’ instead because “everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.”

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the “crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.”

“Their security is really awful, really bad,” said Bush. “My mother just walked right in, told ‘em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn’t check her ID or nothing.”

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush’s running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. “Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now,” Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she’s asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The “Million Man Mush” is scheduled to leave Friday. “We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays,” Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was “deeply distressed” by news of the pending legal action against him.

“He’s losing weight, and he hasn’t said ‘Ho Ho’ for days,” said the spokeself. “He’s just not feeling jolly.”

A weary nation can relate.

A newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss

I’m here to ask
As you’ll soon see –
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there–
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far –
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are –
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more –
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public’s easy
To distract –
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?

A: A man without a clue.



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